Day 9 - A Fairly Normal Day

I suppose that I won't know what a normal day feels like for a while, but today was fairly normal. I only had one doctor appointment, and it was pretty brief.  I got to see one of my favorite doctors, the doctor that delivered Henry almost 4 years ago.  It was so wonderful to see him, and he was so supportive and positive.  He also wrote me a little prescription to help ease some anxiety and help me sleep. 

My overwhelming feelings from yesterday have dissipated some though cancer is always on my mind right now.  It's awfully rude that way..never really leaves me alone, and I like to be alone sometimes.  I talked to a woman who is about to celebrate 5 years of being cancer-free.  That must be such a wonderful feeling.  I very much look forward to that day. 

I was actually able to accomplish a lot of work today as well as work on backup plans for the days when I can't work as much as I would like. It felt good to be so productive and to forget about cancer for a little while.  I even had several phone calls during which cancer was NOT mentioned at all.  Wow. That has not happened in a week.  That was nice.

My mom, Henry and I went out to Mexican for dinner tonight.  I usually prefer to go to Senior Tequila's ON Valentine's Day (que romantico), but I suppose that the day before will have to suffice.  Henry was absolutely bananas from all of the sugar that he had from his school Valentine's Day party so the dinner was, mercifully, brief.

I did move a scheduled chemo education session back to later in the week next week so that Mike can attend.  I think that it will be good for him to hear more about it first-hand. 

I am not sure how I will ever be able to repay all of the kindness that I have received from countless family, friends, colleagues, and people who I don't even know. I guess that the beauty of kindness is that there is no expectation of repayment, but I do hope to be able to offer the same level of compassion and support to others down the road. 

Today was a pretty boring day, all things considered.  I needed boring.

Day 8 - Overwhelmed

Information overload. I am feeling so overwhelmed.  I saw my oncologist today, who is a wonderful person. I feel so fortunate to be in his care for this process.

I am totally overwhelmed though.  Basics - the cancer is actually stage 2 because there are some lymph nodes involved. Stage 2.  I can handle that.  The doctor also wants for me to have a full body scan and a brain MRI to double triple check that there is no more cancer anywhere else.  I am terrified of the prospect but even more terrified of not being thorough.  So that is what I will do. More tests.  More waiting for results.  More sleepless nights.  I am remaining positive, though, and praying that there is nothing else.  I'd rather know now though.

I also got my treatment plan and am taking the steps necessary to start to implement it.  I will start chemo on Feb. 24.  8 rounds, 1 treatment every 2 weeks.  If all goes according to plan, I will finish chemo on June 2.  I am doing 4 rounds of 1 type of chemo and 4 rounds of another.  Again, thorough.  I like that.

After chemo, I will have some form of surgery.  The scope of the surgery will become more clear as I progress with chemo and get the genetic test results back.

After surgery, I will have 6.5 weeks of radiation.  I will go in every day for a zap (not sure about the weekends).  The doctor said that it would take me longer to find a place to park than it would do the radiation treatment.  Ok.  Can do.

So that is the plan, for now.  If there are any hiccups, we will adjust the plan as we go.  Prayers for no hiccups.

My doctor was truly great during the appiontment.  He held my hand when I was anxious, reassured me when necessary, and even made fun of me a little bit (color-coded notes and the longest list of questions he has ever seen).  My kind of guy.  I like someone with a sense of humor.

I am so glad that my mom is here. She was awesome during the appointment and had some great questions to ask.

My oncologist did recommend that I take some melatonin to try to sleep better at night. That will absolutely happen tonight. He also recommended some vitamin D so picked up some of that.

Doc appts next week include - CT scan, meeting with chemo nurse, meeting with surgeon, lepro (?) shot (to potentially preserve fertility if we want), brain MRI, port surgery, echocardiogram.  Holy moly.  That is is a lot of doc appts.

One of the chemo drugs that I will be taking has the potential to affect the heart so they want to get a baseline echocardiogram so that they can monitor my old ticker along the way.  I'm cool with that.  The CT scan and the MRI freak me out though, but I am trying to put them out of my mind.

My nurse friend also showed me around one of the chemo infusion rooms at the center. It was so nice of her to take the time.  I kind of rushed the process though.  I had been there for so long and was so full of information and emotion.

I got out of there, had a good long cry, talked to Mike and a few others, and pulled it together in time for Henry to get home with my mom.

So yeah. Overwhelmed.  So very glad to have a plan in place though. I like plans.

Day 7 - A Wee Bit Random

You'd think that one faced with the prospect of losing her hair would spend more time actually styling the hair that she does have.  Not me.  I guess this proves that I am still just regular old me.  I did wash, dry, and style my hair this morning. How about a pat on the old back?!

I also found myself laughing and crying a tiny bit as I was driving back from dropping Henry off at school.  Scene - 33-year old mom in what amounts to a station wagon (those mid-sized SUVs are designed to make people feel a little bit better about driving station wagons), car seat in back, 8:00am, Eminem and Nate Dogg BLARING from the radio, and me singing (?) every word along with them.  What can I say, I like rap.  I like rap a lot, and I'm not going to hide it.  Small tip for "real" adults reading this - DO NOT look up songs by Eminem and Nate Dogg.  Trust me.  Don't.

I think that I made Henry uncomfortable this morning. I was staring at him nonstop for a little while.  He is just so cute and sweet.  I am totally in awe of him.  I told his school my news yesterday, and they were wonderful (of course).  I want them to be aware of what is going on for when changes do start to happen and we start talking to Henry about this.  Continuing to build the team here.

Reinforcements have arrived!  My mom got here this afternoon, and I am so glad that she is here.  She came with tons of food, tons of love, and tons of support. She's going to be here until Monday and will go with me to the oncologist tomorrow.

I woke up exhausted this morning.  A sure sign that I am not getting quality sleep.  Goodness, I am so tired. 

My doctor's office sent me a copy of the pathology report, and they also included the MRI report from yesterday.  I am no doctor, but when I saw "no suspicious masses on the right side," I was pretty relieved.  So the left is letting me down, but the right is holding strong.  That is good news.  There were some suspicious lymph nodes on the left, but I have known that is a possibility the whole time, and I will tackle those when I tackle the tumor.

On day 0 of this whole process (the day that I had the biopsy done on the suspicious lump), I got in my car after the appointment and had a good long cry. I was scared. I was really scared. Once I got it all out, I started the car and drove to get Henry.  As I was driving down the road, I saw part of a rainbow in the sky. It was a small rainbow but seemingly appeared out of nowhere.  It had not rained at all that day.  I swear that rainbow was just for me.  I needed to see it that day, and I need to remember it during this whole journey.

Day 6 - The MRI

Had my first MRI today, and that was quite the experience.  It is very strange to be inside of a very noisy tube, and I had to be really still for about 30 minutes.  Thankfully, I was face-down in the tube, and I think that made it easier to be still. It is hard to be perfectly still..my shoulders started shaking at the end.  Maybe I should have not worked out last night.

The MRI technicians said that they got all of the images that they need, and I will get the results when I meet with my oncologist on Thursday.  More waiting.

Favorite part, hands down, of the MRI appointment was when the technician was going through paperwork and asked "do you have any implants."  I just looked down at my chest and laughed.  She did too after she paused at my inappropriateness.  Cancer or no cancer, I still have the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy.

I heard from a few more people today, which continues to be wonderful. The support has been absolutely astounding.

Otherwise, I was much less weepy today.  I think that I only cried twice. The headache continues which I attribute to stress, crying, a drastic reduction in calorie consumption (I really have to force myself to eat), and jaw clenching. I guess some tension is to be expected after receiving a cancer diagnosis.

I have no doctor's appointments tomorrow and would actually like to not talk to any medical professionals all day tomorrow. My uninvited friend will be with me all day, but maybe I can avoid talking about it as much.

PS: Typing this on my ipad which does not seem to be spell-checking as I go. Please forgive any typos. I will have to look at the post again from my work computer because I hate typos.  I hate cancer more, but I really do hate typos.

Day 5 - Weepy + More Information

I was so weepy today. Goodness. I talked to/heard from so many people today, and everyone was so wonderfully nice and supportive.  I can't even describe how overwhelmed I am with all of the kind words and support that I have already received.

I did get some more information today, which made me feel so much better.  I have triple negative breast cancer, and it is stage 1, T2.  Stage 1.  Stage freaking 1.  I almost instantly felt lighter when Dr. Hawk said that to me.  Stage 1.  Obviously, it's still cancer and has to be treated aggressively, but it could be so much worse.

I also pushed back my port surgery until next week. It just felt way to sudden and way too rushed for me, and I want to wait to do that until I have the MRI and meet with the oncologist.  Dr. Hawk was extremely supportive of that decision and assured me that it would not be detrimental to my treatment. Things were just moving so fast. I want this out, and I want it out NOW, but I want all of the information first and foremost.  I am a fact person and need the facts before something so life-altering happens to me.

Mike left for St. Kitts today, but we were able to talk several times while he was in the airport. I know that he was pleased to have more information too.

I went to the gym tonight, and it felt so good.  I worked out pretty hard and it felt good to know that I could. I told my trainer what is going on, and he was, of course, supportive. It will be nice to have the entire Orangetheory Fitness team behind me. I'd like to continue to go as much as I possibly can. I love that place.

I will absolutely have to have chemo first. That is standard practice for triple negative. I am ok with that. I am more than ok.  I am almost excited for it because it will mean that my cancer is going away.  Wonder how I will look bald??  Probably bad..I have a giant dome.

Hopefully I will be less weepy tomorrow.  My poor eyes and head.  I've had cancer for 5 days now (well I have known about it for 5 days), and I am finally getting more information and next steps.

I do need to figure out what we are going to say to Henry.  He's going to know that something is wrong, especially when I lose my hair.  Maybe he'll want to shave his head too.  That would be so cute. :)

Day 4 - Cancer Comes With Us

Cancer has taken away my ability to have a normal weekend day.  I feel a little bit robbed.  Henry and I went to Monkey Joes and Target, but cancer also went with us.  I think about it every other second, and talk about it every other minute.  I know that this is just going to be my normal for a while, but I don't want cancer to come with me when I am trying to spend time with my son.  I want it to be gone.

I had another headache today.  I think that it is from stress and lack of quality sleep. It was more of a dull foggy feeling than a piercing headache.  I am also 100% sure that I have been clenching my jaw nonstop for the past several days.

I am continuing to tell others my news, and the response has been overwhelming.  I have always known that I have a lot of people who love me (and us), but I never really knew the depth.  We have had so many people reaching out to us and offering their support and love.  I am on numerous prayer lists at churches all across the country.  That is so comforting to me.  I am going to continue to need the support over the next however long. 

At this point, I just want answers and next steps.  I want the where, the why, the how.  Also, why do I keep hearing stories of young women like me being diagnosed with breast cancer.  What is going on?  Is it our food, is it our environment, is it the products that we are using?  Why is this happening?

How am I going to talk to Henry about this?  What is he going to say if (when) I lose my hair?  I am sure that he will be somewhat fascinated, but I don't want him to be scared. 

I maintain my resolve to do whatever I have to do to combat this. WHATEVER.  I just want to be better.  Cancer is NOT invited to my weekends. 

I joined a survivors group on Facebook.  The group is private and is only for survivors.  Though I am newly diagnosed, the group admin said "You're already a survivor, Nancy."  I am.  I am already a survivor, and I will be cancer-free in no time.  This will be a minor speedbump on my path in life.

Day 3 - Racing Heart

Day 3 = anxiety day.  I found my heart racing several times during the day today and started to worry about every single twinge in my body.  Why does my head hurt, what is going on with my stomach, is that twinge on my right side another tumor?  Why is there an ache behind my eye?  I need to chill.  All of that is imaginary and due to stress and lack of sleep from last night.  I need to chill.

I got home around 11p last night, and Mike and I talked for a long time.  I burst into tears when I saw Mike, and we hugged forever.  He had some flowers on the kitchen table for me.  So sweet.

After much discussion last night, we decided that we are going to pump the breaks on this just a little bit.  Things are moving WAY too fast.  Why am I getting a chemo port before talking to an oncologist?  Why is that the right decision right off of the bat?  I don't feel comfortable with it so am going to call on Monday and postpone that until after the oncologist appointment. I want all of the information before that kind of drastic measure is taken. 

I volunteered at a friend's event today.  It was nice to have the distraction, but is very strange having that part of me out to some and not out to others.  But who just blurts out that she has cancer?  Not me.  I need to be careful about what I say and when.

I snuggled with Henry as much as humanly possible today, and I keep asking God to not take me away from him.  I pray that He is listening to me.  I think that He is.  Henry needs his mom, and he will have me.  I will do whatever I have to do.  I just keep asking to be on the safe side.  Want to be thorough here. 

I also found my eyes filling up with tears several times during the day today, and my heart would start to race some. I think that is normal and to be expected.  I need to control the stress as much as I can though.  It is normal to be anxious, but I also have to remain positive as much as humanly possible.

Henry is seriously the cutest and sweetest boy in the whole wide world.  He gave me about 1000 hugs today, and I needed every single one of them. We played a lot this morning and snuggled together watching movies after I got back from the event.  I love him so much and need to be very strong for him and for me.

But really, I need to stop over-analyzing every little twinge in my body.  I think that i am just hyper-aware right now.

Mike is going to St. Kitts on Monday, and I am ok with that. I don't want our daily lives to stop, and I don't want us to not honor our commitments just because of stupid cancer. Cancer is so stupid. 

Here's another messed up thing - I feel SO GREAT. I have been working out like a crazy person and eating really healthy.  I really have never felt better.  Ok, that Potbelly gluten-filled sandwich that I had last night didn't make me feel so hot, and neither did the cookie, but before the cancer verdict came down, I was super healthy.

AND I am getting right back on the healthy train. Did today, in fact. I am going to be as healthy as possible. Eating right, no drinking, and working out as much as I can. 

I think that my brain has been a little fuzzy today from what I ate last night and the lack of carbs today. Amazing how much of an effect food has on a person.

My mom is going to come down on Wednesday for my Thursday oncologist appointment.  Here's the schedule for next week.

Monday - talk to surgeon and postpone port Tuesday - MRI Thursday - Oncologist Friday - reschedule port placement if necessary

In between all of that - love on my Henry, work, and continue to gather as much information as humanly possible.  Potentially seek second opinions based on discussions and other appointments.

Should I start to become one of those annoying Facebook people who posts inspirational quotes every second?  Maybe so.  Maybe I need the inspirational quotes.  I need the strength, and I need to be better ASAP.  I don't have time for this crap.