Day 2 - Gathering Information

I actually slept ok last night, which is a miracle.  I am continuing to work to get the word out.  I want people to know.  I want prayers, I want strength, and I want everyone's positive thoughts coming my way.  Mike has been absolutely wonderful this whole time.  He has stayed very positive and strong for me, and I know that he will continue to do so.  I cannot wait to get home tonight to see my sweet Henry.  May sleep on the floor next to him for a little while tonight. 

I am ready to get home, but there is work to be done.  Both real work and cancer work, which is going to be harder than any real work I have ever done.

Fact collecting day.  Time to talk to everyone that I know who knows anything about the medical scene in Charleston.  I want to know more about my surgeon, Dr. Hawk, and the oncologist who has been recommended to me, Dr. Keough.  I want to know all about them actually. 

First call - An oncology nurse who I don't know terribly well, but well enough to talk to about this.  Her words, "If I was going through this, I would use Dr. Keough and Dr. Hawk (and she also mentioned a few other names of doctors that she likes)."  Ok.  Perfect.  Check.  She approves.

Second call - the breast cancer navigator at the hospital.  She talked about the doctors personalities and bedside manners.  All approved.  Check.  Another vote of confidence. She also gave me more information about upcoming procedures and asked me questions about me. I appreciated that so much.  She asked about Mike and Henry and me.  Lovely person.

Third (email) - email from a friend of Uncle Tuckers.  She knows Dr. Hawk and states that he has a great reputation.  Check.

Fourth (text) - two pathologists that I know in town.  Told them the names of my doctors.  They said "AWESOME" and "you're in good hands" respectively.  Check.  The people who work with cancer and disease give their approval. 

Fifth (email) - Reagan has a friend who also mentioned Dr. Keough. Good. Another good endorsement.

My surgeon told me yesterday that I am going to have to have chemotherapy right away.  I am struggling with the "why" in this one.  Why is chemo the first step?  I spoke with the navigator at the hospital about this today, and she said that it is because of my age.  Because I am so young, they are likely to want to do chemo first to shrink the size of the tumor to make surgery easier and more thorough. 

Ok.  But let's get all of the information back first.  Let's find out what kind of cancer I have, what stage and what grade.  I should have that information on Monday or Tuesday of next week. 

For now, though, I am scheduled for an MRI, a procedure to put in a port, and an appointment with the oncologist next week.  Wow. That is a lot of appointments.

Also will have to work at some point during all of that.  Work has been great...very understanding and compassionate.

Gone are the days of Martyr Nancy.  I am going to accept help, even ask for help, and raise my hand when I need to slow things down a little bit.

I have changed. In two short days, I have changed.  Those shocking words have changed me.  I am already fighting.  I am already ok with help.  I am already more of an advocate for myself. 

I AM going to beat this.  I am going to Henry's mom for a long long long time (well technically forever).  We've got a lot of plans, and I am going to keep them all.

After my beloved Grandmother died, my father found a prayer shawl that she was using in her nursing home.  This was made for her by Buncombe Street UMC, and she used it for comfort for many years.

I plan to take this with me to any treatments or appointments that I have.  I will channel her strength and her love and will use this as a symbol of all of the love that I have in my life. 

I could probably write more and more and more, but I am going to finish my flight home and see Mike and Henry.  I need to be around them.  I need Henry's smile, and I need hugs from both of them.  Really, I may sleep on Henry's floor tonight.

Day 1 - The News

"I am sorry to tell you that it's cancer."  I heard those words from my doctor at approximately 12:30pm on Thursday, February 5, 2015 while I was in DC for work...  I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, and I couldn't breathe for a few seconds.  I could hardly call Mike, my hands were shaking so much.  I almost didn't want to call him because I didn't want this news to hurt him like it hurt me.  That's crazy though.  He's my partner, and he is going to be my rock during all of this.  He already has been, and the journey has just begun. 

I have known for two days that I *could* hear these words today, but I truly never thought that I would.  I thought that the doctor would say something along the lines of "you have a non-cancerous mass."  No dice. 

So I have cancer.  I've said those words to a lot of loved ones today, and they sound so thick and unnatural coming out of my mouth.  My heart races every time I say the words, and I have to really push them out.  Maybe it will get easier to say...can't get harder, right?

I know that I have cancer, but I know absolutely nothing else, and that is hard for a know-it-all like me.  I spent a lot of time talking to people and listening to people today, and everyone has said that the waiting is absolutely the hardest part. 

All I can think about is my sweet Henry.  He is going to be my motivation during this whole process.  He and I WILL go to Africa and Asia (his requests) when he is bigger, and we will have a wonderful time doing it.  I will do WHATEVER I have to do to beat this.  Seriously.  Whatever.  I will do absolutely anything.  I don't care. I just want to be ok for my child and for my husband and for the rest of my family.  I also want to be ok for ME.

A few years ago, I felt a lump in my breast.  I went to my GYN to get his thoughts, and he referred me to a surgeon who did an ultrasound of the lump and told me that it was just a cyst.  This has happened several other times over the past few years, and every time, the lumps have just been cysts.

The lump that he looked at on Tuesday, February 3 was different.  This one thing was not like the others so my doctor did a biopsy, set me up for a mammogram and told me that he would call me as soon as possible.

The mammogram didn't show much and seemed like a little bit of a waste of time.  Maybe not.  Who knows.  He also did an ultrasound under my arm, and didn't find anything odd there.  Again, who knows. I could speculate until I am blue in the face, but speculation is not going to get me anywhere without the facts.

So as of today, I have cancer.  I've probably had it for a little while, but ignorance really is bliss sometimes.