Day 1 - The News

"I am sorry to tell you that it's cancer."  I heard those words from my doctor at approximately 12:30pm on Thursday, February 5, 2015 while I was in DC for work...  I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, and I couldn't breathe for a few seconds.  I could hardly call Mike, my hands were shaking so much.  I almost didn't want to call him because I didn't want this news to hurt him like it hurt me.  That's crazy though.  He's my partner, and he is going to be my rock during all of this.  He already has been, and the journey has just begun. 

I have known for two days that I *could* hear these words today, but I truly never thought that I would.  I thought that the doctor would say something along the lines of "you have a non-cancerous mass."  No dice. 

So I have cancer.  I've said those words to a lot of loved ones today, and they sound so thick and unnatural coming out of my mouth.  My heart races every time I say the words, and I have to really push them out.  Maybe it will get easier to say...can't get harder, right?

I know that I have cancer, but I know absolutely nothing else, and that is hard for a know-it-all like me.  I spent a lot of time talking to people and listening to people today, and everyone has said that the waiting is absolutely the hardest part. 

All I can think about is my sweet Henry.  He is going to be my motivation during this whole process.  He and I WILL go to Africa and Asia (his requests) when he is bigger, and we will have a wonderful time doing it.  I will do WHATEVER I have to do to beat this.  Seriously.  Whatever.  I will do absolutely anything.  I don't care. I just want to be ok for my child and for my husband and for the rest of my family.  I also want to be ok for ME.

A few years ago, I felt a lump in my breast.  I went to my GYN to get his thoughts, and he referred me to a surgeon who did an ultrasound of the lump and told me that it was just a cyst.  This has happened several other times over the past few years, and every time, the lumps have just been cysts.

The lump that he looked at on Tuesday, February 3 was different.  This one thing was not like the others so my doctor did a biopsy, set me up for a mammogram and told me that he would call me as soon as possible.

The mammogram didn't show much and seemed like a little bit of a waste of time.  Maybe not.  Who knows.  He also did an ultrasound under my arm, and didn't find anything odd there.  Again, who knows. I could speculate until I am blue in the face, but speculation is not going to get me anywhere without the facts.

So as of today, I have cancer.  I've probably had it for a little while, but ignorance really is bliss sometimes.