Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Day 146 - Appointments

I took the afternoon off for some appointments and some fun.  I had lunch with a friend from high school, and it was so nice to catch up.  I had been craving Chipotle for weeks, and she is a fan too so it worked out.  I usually get a salad from there because the insides are really the best part of burritos.

After lunch, I saw my surgeon for a pre-opp appointment. The appointment went well though he was running way behind.  I am so used to waiting for doctors, though, that it does not really bother me.  He did an ultrasound on both breasts and said that if he did not know that I had a tumor in my left one that he would have passed it over with the ultrasound.  He said the same thing during an exam before the ultrasound.  So that means that whatever is left is super small and barely noticeable by touch and by ultrasound.  GOOD.  He said that the small lump that we can both feel is likely scar tissue that could or could not have some cancer left in it.  I'll take "could not" please.  My surgeon is a straight shooter, to say the least, and I was very entertained by the following exchange that he and I had:

Me: I'd really like to have a complete response from chemo.
Him: Why?
Me: Well the recurrence rates are pretty different for those who do get a complete response vs. those who do not.
Him: What are they?
Me: Something like 6% with a complete response and 20% without it.
Him: Then what's the percentage of NO recurrence without a complete response.
Me: 80%
Him: Right (with a knowing smile)

Thank you for bring me back down to earth.  During my surgery, I will have a lumpectomy and a sentinel node biopsy.  The lumpectomy will take out any remaining tumor or scar tissue as well as the tissue surrounding the area so that we achieve what are called clean margins.  Clean margins = enough tissue was removed so that there is no cancer left.

The sentinel node is the lymph node (or nodes) that drain the area near the tumor.  I will be injected with some radioactive dye before surgery that will help the surgeon detect the sentinel node. The sentinel node will be removed and checked for cancer.  If cancer is present then additional lymph nodes may need to be removed, but that will be a game time decision that I will not be a part of because I will be in dreamland.  The doctor did say that some people have more than one sentinel node as a result of individual anatomy so he may end up taking out between 2-3 sentinel nodes.  In years past, surgeons would take out all underarm lymph nodes during breast cancer surgery, but a sentinel node biopsy reduces the need to do that.  Removal of all lymph nodes could cause something called lymphadema, swelling and discomfort due to lymphatic system blockage, which is unpleasant and problematic.  All that said, bring on the sentinel node biopsy.

After my surgeon appointment, I was to see my therapist, but that did not happen.  My appointment with her was at 3pm, and I had still not been seen by my surgeon at 2:50 so I called and told her that I would not be coming. Her office manager's hours are spotty at best so I had to leave a voicemail for my therapist directly, and I hope that she got it.  I feel horrible doing that. It is so unlike me to basically no show for an appointment, but there was really nothing that I could do.  Seeing my surgeon to talk about surgery to remove cancer trumps a therapist appointment, and I am sure that she understands.  It was silly of me to think that I could have those two appointments so close to each other.

On my way home, I stopped for one last appointment - a long-awaited pedicure!  I didn't get pedicures during chemo because I was afraid of germs/infection, but I've never had a problem with low blood counts so I just went for it.  I went to a nice place and used a gift card that a friend gave to me a few months ago, and it was incredible.  I almost fell asleep, and my toes look lovely.  Win/win.

To top off the day, our sweet neighbors brought us dinner.  It was delicious and a very nice treat. There is just something so wonderful about not having to cook even though I really enjoy cooking.

I am starting to feel a little bit guilty about taking so much time off of work, but that is ridiculous.  I am taking time off work for cancer treatment, not extended vacations or general slacking.  I have the time to take, and need the time right now in my life so it is a must.  And, in the grand scheme of things, I really have not taken that much time off given the circumstances.  I just feel like the hours here and there are starting to add up.  Oh well..that is why we have sick and vacation time.

I'm awfully wordy today.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Day 145 - Expectations

I need to get a better handle on my expectations and get them more in line with reality.  Reality is that I am not even a week out from very harsh chemotherapy.  The last little drip went through my port at around 3:30 on June 23 yet here I sit on June 29 expecting (kind of) to be back to full strength.  That is a bit silly.  I am certainly on my way back to full strength but still have some aches and pains (that I need to STOP over-analyzing), and it is going to take me a while to bounce back from chemo.  Chemo stays in the system for quite a while (a good thing), and my system is no exception to that rule.

I think that I am still experiencing some side effects from the steroids too. My face seems a little bit puffy still, but my face seems a bit out of balance to me sans eyebrows and eyelashes.  Hopefully the 'roids will work their way out of my system sooner rather than later.  

That said, I felt mostly great today despite the aforementioned aches and pains.  Mike and I went for a nice long bike ride during my lunch break today, and it felt awesome to get some exercise.  I did not ride fast, but we went at least 5 miles.  I also took the dog for a brief walk after we got back.  Today is the best that I've felt since last week, and my activity level supports that.

As much as I expect my body to bounce back quickly, I need to be realistic and kind to myself.  I'll get back to where I was.  Actually, I'll get back to better than where I was.  I was (am) carrying around some extra pounds that I intend to kiss goodbye, and I endeavor to be healthier in general.  It's the least that I can do for myself after what I've experienced.

Now that I am feeling better, I am back to eating fruits, veggies, complex carbs and lean meats.  There is one more sweet treat in my house that will be gone tonight then it is time to LAY OFF of the sugar.  Sugar really is like crack (not that I have any direct experience).   The more you have, the more you want!

Nancy 2.0 (so lame), here we come...in small steps as I feel better.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Day 144 - Pool

Henry and I made it to the pool this morning, and we had so much fun.  We rode our bikes over at around 8:30 this morning before it got too hot or sunny.  We were the only ones at the pool for the entire hour and a half that we were there, and it was awesome.  Henry jumped in about 30 times and practiced swimming from one side to the other (he's getting there with the swimming).  It was great.

After the pool, we came home and got cleaned up for brunch with some friends.  They had us over to their house and served up chicken and waffles, salad, bloody marys, mimosas, and cupcakes.  Delicious!  The company and the food were both incredible.  Henry made himself at home, as he tends to do, and rotated between hanging with the grown ups, playing with some toys that we brought over, and watching Netflix in the other room. It was a really wonderful way to spend the afternoon.

Post-brunch, H and I ran to Trader Joe's for some goodies since we were nearby, and we came home and relaxed for the rest of the day.

That was a fair amount of activity for me just coming off of not feeling so well, but I felt ok the whole time.  I was tired when we got home so parked it for a little while.

I wish that a picture of my new hair would do it justice, but it would not at this point.  It is really light-colored and too fine to really show up in a picture, but it is there!  Our friends even commented on it earlier.  I actually used a tiny bit of shampoo on it earlier (vs. the bar of soap), and I got clearance to start taking Biotin supplements to help it grow a bit faster.  The receptionist at my oncologist's office said that she and one of my nurses were talking, and they voted that I should keep my hair short once it grows back.  Perhaps I will.  Again, though, I'll just be excited for my hairstyle to look intentional.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Day 143 - Absorb

Believe it or not, there are still some days when I have trouble absorbing all that has gone on in the last 4, nearly 5, months.  Today was one of those days.  I wanted to have a "normal" Saturday, but that was just not possible.  It's pretty frustrating to not feel like myself for days at a time.

I slept until 9 then lounged on the couch for a little while.  I pulled myself together and took Henry out to pick up a birthday present for one of his friends.  That errand took almost all of my energy.

Mike took Henry to the birthday party to deliver said gift.  I felt horrible not going as those kinds of things usually fall within my jurisdiction.  There was just no way that I was going to Monkey Joe's today so I lounged on the couch and watched Orange is the New Black while they were gone.

I do feel much better today than I did yesterday.  I am still taking my anti-nausea meds, but my stomach is a lot better, and I was able to eat two whole meals of food (name that movie).   The aches and pains are very present, however.  I am taking Aleve and have the heating pad running pretty constantly.  The aches are from both the chemo and the Neulasta that I get after chemo. Both can cause joint, muscle and bone pain.  Navigating stairs is an arduous process right now, but it should be short-lived.

I hope to be able to take Henry to the neighborhood pool early tomorrow morning before it gets sunny and hot.  I should be able to manage that, and it may feel good to get in the pool for a little while.

For today, I will feel ok about at least getting out of the house and will look forward to feeling even better tomorrow.  Baby steps.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Day 142 - Freight Train

This round has hit me pretty hard.  I have not been able to eat much at all, and I am very tired and sore.  I went to bed at 8:00 last night and slept until almost 8:00 this morning.  I sat down at my desk at 8:30 with a pile of pills, 4 beverages, and a piece of toast.  Yikes.

I know. I know.  Last one.  Trust me, I am thrilled by that.  I just have to get these side effects past me before I can be as excited as I should be.  Hopefully I will be able to stop taking my nausea meds by tomorrow or Sunday.  That is when I usually get to the point where the side effects outweigh the benefits.

Looking ahead, I am seeing my surgeon next week to discuss my surgery.  I am eager to have the surgery and get moving toward radiation.  My oncologist was out on vacation on Tuesday so I did not have the opportunity to talk to him about what we might do if I do not have a complete response at surgery, but that is on my list for my next appointment with him. 

After my office closed at 3pm today, I took a nice long nap.  Napping seems to be the most helpful at this point so I am trying to do so whenever I can.  Chemo #8 has left me reeling...I think that chemo just does not want me to forget how much "fun" it can be.  Awfully generous of it.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Day 141 - The Second Day

I've found that with this type of chemo, the second day after treatment is usually worse than the first.  I am pretty nauseous and sore today which is not my favorite way to feel, but I should start feeling a bit better tomorrow.  I slept until the last possible minute this morning then sat down at my desk at 8:30 (work from home perk for sure).  I took a nap during my lunch hour and will definitely go to bed early tonight.

Feeling this way sucks (very eloquent of me I know).  Knowing that chemo is behind me helps a lot though.  My heating pad got a good workout today in between hot flashes (please let those be over soon).  Timing was a bit tricky, but the heating pad is mandatory right now. 

I took plenty of anti-nausea meds and Tylenol today and am looking forward to things looking up.  My love/hate relationship with chemo continues for a little while longer.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Day 140 - Peach Fuzz

Last week, I noticed that my scalp was a bit tender, much like it was when my hair started to fall out.  If I ran my hand over the few hairs that were on my head, it hurt a little bit.  I assumed that it was a sign that my hair was going to start growing back, and it IS!  I have some solid peach fuzz on my head now.  I've always had some stray hairs that did not fall out, but the new hairs cover much more of my scalp.  I am so excited.  I don't even care to have long hair again, but I would love some hair.  Just enough to make my hairstyle look intentional.

I didn't feel horrible today, but I didn't feel great either.  I would describe it as a solid medium.  My stomach is upset, but I can eat a little bit, and I am not too achy yet which is nice.  The aches usually come a day or two later.

I spent most of the day in bed watching TV and snoozing which was wonderful, but I did go to the doctor's office for some fluids and my neulasta shot at around 2pm.  I drove myself because Mike took Henry to the doctor to have his arm looked at.  The cast is officially OFF so we can resume normal summertime activities.  I am very excited about that.

I am still pretty emotional about yesterday in a good way.  It was such a big day for me, and I am overwhelmed by all of the support and love that poured out.  The word "meaningful" does not even  begin to describe it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Day 139 - 4 Months of Chemo

I've had this post in mind for a while, and am thrilled to finally be able to do it.  Here's what 4 months of chemo looks like. 

Chemo #1 - Happened during an "ice storm" with no ice.  Schools were closed
so we had to get a babysitter for Henry.  I was feeling well and excited to get
the cancer OUT of my body.  In an attempt to keep things as normal as possible, I worked
during the whole infusion.  

Chemo #2 - Still had hair!  I had lost about 12 pounds at this point (that I have subsequently
gained back) and was not looking forward to the side effects that I knew were on tap for the
remainder of the week.  I think that I felt the worst after this chemo.

Chemo #3 - Hair was very patchy, and I could not go out in public
without my head covered.  The nurse that I had for this treatment gave me some
great tips on spacing out my nausea meds so I felt better after this round than I
did the second. 

Chemo #4 - Last A/C chemo!  The adriamycin is often called "the red devil," and
that nickname is certainly fitting.  I still shudder at the thought of it and the memory
of how that medicine tasted.  I was so happy to be done with that particular chemo. 

Chemo #5 - First taxol/carboplatin combo.  I was prepared for it to taste bad
like the A/C did, but there was no taste at all.  I was happy about that.  This was a
very long day.  After 1 hour of pre-meds and 4 hours of chemo, I shut the place down.  I became
very dehydrated after this round and almost passed out twice.  I had to go back in for IV
fluids and just started requesting them after subsequent rounds to prevent any other problems. 

Chemo #6 - My mom came with me to this treatment, and we had a nice time
talking for part of the infusion.  We also both worked and relaxed for a little while.  It was
5-hour infusion so it took up most of the day.  She also took me in for IV fluids the next day to ward
off any dehydration. 

Chemo #7 - My nurse made a bald joke as she was taking the picture for me.
Clearly, I found it funny.  I had a private room again for this chemo because the private
rooms have a better wi-fi signal.  I asked my doctor to cut back on the steroids for this
treatment, and he did.  I felt pretty awful after this one, though, and I wonder if it
is because I didn't have as high of a steroid dose.  
Chemo #8 - Wonder Woman.  I got a Wonder Woman shirt to wear to my last treatment
and my ever-thougthful and creative mom (and Glen) found someone to make a Wonder Woman
balloon for me and had it delivered to the treatment center! She also made me a little crown/
headband for me to wear. 
This is will be a long post, but I must add some additional thoughts and information about today.  Today is a day that I will never forget for many reason.  It was a good and very emotional day.  It was so awesome to have Reagan there with me.  She and I had a really nice time chatting, and she was emotional with me when the final bit of chemo was done.  My nurses gave me a certificate of completion and let me ring a little bell...great way to mark the end of chemo.

I came home to a decorated front door.  Reagan had come over before coming to chemo and decorated the front door with rainbow-colored balloons (for my rainbow), a poster that says "Last Chemo," and another poster with all of my blog post titles from the past 138 days.  I sobbed.  Such a wonderful way to celebrate this day.

I got so many texts, messages, emails and calls today, and I also had some flowers and gifts waiting for me at home.  I certainly feel special and very loved.

While I brace for the impact of the last round, I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I have finished this part of my treatment, and I hope that the surgery and radiation are much easier on me than chemo was.  The tumor was barely palpable today, and I am grateful for that.  I would like for it to disappear completely in the next 3 weeks!

Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support.  It means so much to me.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Day 138 - Excitedous

Excitedous = nervous/excited all at the same time. 

I am a bundle of nerves over tomorrow.  I know that I "should" be excited and so happy that I will be done with chemo after tomorrow, but sometimes there is a pretty big difference in how one "should" feel vs. how she really does feel.  To be clear - I am mostly THRILLED that my last chemo is tomorrow.  I am so very tired of feeling badly after each treatment, and I am ready to keep moving through the rest of my treatment.

I am anxious because tomorrow is my last chance for the chemo to kill all of the cancer.  It's my last chance for a pathological complete response, and that, quite frankly, scares me.  It scares me that the safety net is very slowly being pulled away.  Obviously, I have a lot more treatment to go and many more weapons in my arsenal.  I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow about what we might be able to do if I don't get a complete response then I am going to endeavor to put that out of my head and feel good about what I have done.  After tomorrow, I will have completed 8 rounds of some of the nastiest treatment out there, and I have done so while maintaining my roles as mother, wife, daughter, sister, family member, friend, employee, and colleague.  I am damn proud of that. 

Life will never be the same, but I think that it can be better.  Better because I really do know my own strength, I know how I handle extreme adversity, and I truly know what is important in life.  Not to continue to toot my own horn here, but I handle adversity well.  It more than sucks that I learned these things in this fashion, but that is the hand that I was dealt.

I feel good about the treatment that I have done, and I will be able to rest mostly well knowing that I have completed this course of chemo.  Tomorrow is a big deal to me, and I am excited/scared out of my mind about it.  It's a bit nuts how I can experience such extreme opposing emotions at the same time.

I am doing a couple of things to celebrate tomorrow.  I bought a special shirt to wear that I will show off in a picture tomorrow, and I have some treats to take to my doctor and nurses.  I want to thank them for what they have done for me.  There is really no way to properly thank a group of people who have saved my life, but I will attempt to do so with some cards and some treats.  I am also giving my oncologist a special bottle of wine from Jessup Cellars in Napa. Mike and I went there on our honeymoon in 2008 and were members of their wine club for several years after until we had Henry and needed our money for more important things.  My doctor indicated that he likes wine during my first appointment with him so I think that he will appreciate this one.  I hope that he does.

A very special guest will also be joining me for my last chemo.  I am lucky enough to have two best friends who really are like sisters to me and who have been right by my side during these past 4 months (as they always have been).  Reagan has agreed to come with me to my last chemo.  She and I have been friends since we moved here in 2009, and I am so thankful to have her in my life.  Reagan and Mike used to work together at Kiawah, and we went out to dinner with her and her husband within months of us moving to Charleston, and something just clicked. Reagan was skeptical of me at first because I only had one glass of wine at dinner that night, but I made up for that the next time we hung out at the Folly Beach St. Patrick's Day bar crawl (yikes).

I tell Reagan everything, probably some things she wished I didn't, and we have been through many major life milestones at the same time.  Her oldest child and Henry are 4 months apart in age, and it has been so much fun watching them grow up together.  She and I rarely have uninterrupted time to sit and talk, and it is something that I miss very much.  I am excited that she will be there with me tomorrow, and am equally as excited for the opportunity to just catch up.  I am one of her biggest fans, and I know that she is one of mine too.

Emotions are running very high as I mentally prepare for tomorrow.  It will be a very important day that I will never forget.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Day 137 - Dad

It was fun celebrating all of the dads in my life today.  I spoke with my dads on the phone today, and Mike had a nice and relaxing Father's Day.  Henry and I let him sleep in then we went downtown to exchange some shorts that I got him for a different color then we went out to lunch.  It is SO hot here that it is difficult to spend a lot of time outside so our plans to walk around downtown and find a place for lunch were short-lived.  We got back in the car and headed to a restaurant closer to home.

We also watched a lot of golf this weekend so I think that it was a good Father's Day for Mike all around.  

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful fathers in my life.  I am constantly grateful for their support, love, humor, kindness, and generosity.  Today would have been even better if we could have all been together, but distance and life's responsibilities prevent that from happening as often as I would like.  

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there.  

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Day 136 - Smoke Alarm

We all awoke at around 5:40 to the sweet sweet sounds of our smoke alarm.  Not to worry, there was no fire/smoke. We've got 6-7 smoke detectors in our house, and they are all linked so when one goes off, they all go off.  It would be great in the event of a fire because there is no way that anyone could sleep through something like that, but when there is no fire, it is more than just annoying.  It finally stopped beeping, and we changed the battery in the violating alarm and went back to sleep. Henry was pretty upset but managed to go back to sleep for a little while.  He and I got up around 6:30, and the cacophony sounded again at around 8:00.  Henry and the dog went out on the back porch while Mike and I changed ALL of the smoke alarm batteries in the house, and I also vacuumed the sensors.  Sometimes they get dusty and and confuse the dust for smoke.  Not exactly a relaxing morning, but it is good to know that they work and that they will certainly wake us up.

Henry and I made banana/chocolate chip muffins this morning then I went to the gym.  I did better than I thought that I would do, but I was spent at the end of the class.  It felt great to get a really good workout in though, and I was so happy to see some of my gym friends.  I won't be able to go for a while coming up due to surgery and radiation so I will try to get in as much time as I can in the next few weeks.  It would be difficult to try to avoid upper body work at the gym since a good portion of the workout involves the rowing machine and weight-lifting, but I might try to go during radiation and see if I can just do lower-body work.  My radiation oncologist said that I would be restricted from upper body weight-lifting during radiation and for a month after.  Kind of a bummer but not the end of the world.

After the gym, I ran downtown to pick up a Father's Day gift for Mike, and Henry and I went out to get a card for him once I got back.  H and I also went out in search of fresh fish to have for dinner.  He had some of my fish at a restaurant the other night and loved it, and I am happy to make that for him.  We found some flounder filets at a shop right down the road from us.  It is very nice to have regular access to locally-caught seafood.

My brother is spending the weekend at Kiawah with some friends so we drove down there late afternoon to see the group.  It was nice to hang out with him one more time before he heads back to North Carolina.  We stayed a bit late so I ended up making instant grits to go along with our flounder. To quote My Cousin Vinny, "no self-respecting southerner uses instant grits." I doctored them up, and they were pretty good, but I am still ashamed.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Day 135 - Whoops

I wrote this whole long post yesterday and then hit "save" instead of "publish" before I shut my computer down for the night.  So sorry!  A lovely friend texted me to make sure that I am ok since I didn't write a post yesterday.  It is so comforting to have so many people looking out for me.

I plan to continue writing daily until my treatment is over at a minimum.  Even if I don't have much to say, I'll say something. 

I worked until 3pm today (Friday summer hours) then went downtown to pay my respects to the victims of Wednesday night's tragedy.  I took some flowers and placed them among the others that were there.  It was very emotional to see all of the tributes, and the tears flowed when I spotted a Father's Day balloon among the other items.  Several families will be mourning the loss of men in their lives instead of celebrating with them on Sunday.  There were many others in front of the church with me this afternoon, and we all just stood there in silence as we reflected on the atrocities that took place on the other side of those hallowed doors.

Another note about how great people here are - there were several groups walking around offering water to everyone who came to the church.  It is nearly 100 degrees here, and it was so thoughtful for people to have water available for the crowds.  It was also remarkable to see the news trucks set up near the church.  I've never seen anything like that and hope that I don't again as their presence signifies that something major has happened.

We do not have huge plans for the weekend.  I am going to go to the gym in the morning, and I don't expect it to be pretty.  I was tired after walking 2 blocks between the church and my car and back this afternoon so I don't expect much from the gym, but I miss going so I am going to go and do what I can.  It will be nice to have a few low-key days.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Day 134 - Charleston

Last night, a gunman walked into a church in Charleston and killed 9 people during a Bible study/ prayer service.  9 people gone in the blink of an eye at the hands of a 21-year old man.  This tragedy is mind-blowing and so incredibly sad.  Life is so fragile, and the actions of others simply to not make sense at times.

For the second time since April, Charleston has been in the national media because of senseless violence.  Our community and the nation mourns those who have lost their lives. I've been glued to the news all day and am glad the shooter was found swiftly so that he can be brought to justice.  I also spent a lot of the day trying to comprehend what went so terribly wrong in this young person's life that filled him with so much hatred and lead him to unspeakable violence.  That kind of hatred is not innate.

I cried a lot watching the news today, and one moment, in particular struck me very hard.  One of the victims was 87-years old.  An 87-year old woman was shot during Bible study at her church.  It does not get much worse than that.  Of course, I mourn all of the lives lost. There was also a 5-year old in the room who played dead during the shootings, and his life was spared.  What that poor child witnessed is horrific. 

Charleston has reacted peacefully, and many vigils have taken place in the city.  These are the things that change places and rock them to the core, and I am glad that Charleston remains calm in the wake of such tragedy.

Some good news did come from today - my friend/neighbor had his last chemo today.  I am so happy for him and got him a Superman t-shirt to mark the occasion.  Anyone who has gone though chemo certainly has super powers, and I hope that he remembers that when he wears the shirt.  He called me on his way home from the cancer center, and I could tell that he is just so happy to put that chapter behind him. 

I spent some time snuggling with my boy this evening, very thankful for all that I have. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Day 133 - More Fun

I took another afternoon off to spend time with Franklin, Mike and Henry.  We took Franklin's boat out this afternoon.  It is SO HOT here, but the breeze out on the water makes it manageable.

We fished for a little while and caught 2 small fish and one very small shark. Henry was delighted and even held the shark. I snapped a pic, but it did not turn out too great. I'll have to take another look to see if it is share-able.  We tried to find another fishing spot after the first one didn't produce much, but to find a new spot, we had to go into the ocean, and it was way too rough so we turned back.  4 foot waves were not really what we were going for.

We took the boat over to an area called Shem Creek, docked it and had an early dinner.  It is so nice to arrive at dinner by boat.

I wouldn't normally take two half days in a row like that, but it just worked out that way this week, and I am glad that I did it.  The PCIA events department is still standing, and I enjoyed some time off that was not related to cancer treatment.  Win all around.

Crazy alert - I am way more bothered by losing my eyelashes than by losing the hair on my head.  I feel like not having eyelashes makes me look "more sick."  I know, loony tunes, but I miss my lashes.  Mike reassured me that my eyelashes are not really impacting my current look.  Oh well.  They, too, will return one fine day.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Day 132 - Reflexology

I worked until noon today then took the afternoon off for some fun.  I met a friend for lunch then she and I had reflexology foot massages.  It felt really good (except for a few painful spots), and I almost fell asleep.  I wish that it lasted longer, and I will definitely go again.  My friend and I were sitting next to each other chatting then almost immediately fell silent when the massage therapists got started.  It was awesome.  I always enjoy the massage part of a pedicure, and this was like that on steroids.  So great.

After lunch and foot massages, I had an appointment with my therapist. I always walk out of her office feeling lighter and much better equipped to deal with my emotions.  She wants me to work on focusing on the present and to stop getting too far ahead of myself.  That is a bit of a tall order, but one that I will endeavor to fulfill.

We also talked about my last chemo and how I anticipate experiencing a lot of emotions on that day.  She was happy to learn that I have plans to celebrate the day and mark the accomplishment of getting through 4 months of chemo.  She also understands how/why I am feeling a little bit nervous and (strangely) sad about the day.  I don't really know how to explain the sadness other than Tuesday will mark the end of a chapter in my life that has become so important to me.  Of course, I never thought I would have such a chapter, but now that I have, it is extremely meaningful.  No doubt there will be more to say about that next week.

It was so nice to take some time for myself today and to enjoy the afternoon with a friend.  We all need some pampering and relaxation, and I need it now more than ever.  Wonderful day.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Day 131 - Monday

In general, Mondays are a little bit tough, but they are way more hard after really fun weekends.  I found myself moving a little bit slowly this morning not quite wanting to let go of the weekend.  The Touhills departed at around 9 this morning, and Franklin and Mike went fishing so I was home by myself for most of the day.  I used to be home by myself every day during the week, but since Mike has been home more, I've gotten accustomed to a little bit of noise.  After the weekend, the quite house was almost too quite.  I got a ton of work done today though.

Mike and Franklin did not bring dinner home for us, but they did catch 5 small(ish) sharks that they released.  Mike also saw a giant loggerhead turtle while they were out in the ocean.  He said that they flew right past it and by the time they turned the boat around to get a better look, it had submerged.  Very cool, but goes to show how easily they can get injured by boats.  The pictures of the sharks that they caught were awesome. Mike even held one for the obligatory "look what I caught" photo before throwing it back into the ocean. 

I officially stopped wearing mascara today.  It's a shame, but there is no point in attempting to apply mascara to the few remaining eyelashes that I have.  They will be back just like the rest of my hair, and I will eagerly await their triumphant return. 

In better news, I am getting a new phone tomorrow.  I checked in with the IT manager at work to ask when I was going to be eligible for an upgrade, and the answer was "now."  I ordered the iPhone 6 and am excited to have a phone with (hopefully) better battery life than my old 5c.  It's been a good phone, but the battery goes from 100% to 40% overnight so it is time to move on.  I'll have to go pick up an new case for it.  I swear by the Otterbox cases.  They are worth every penny for someone who is not terribly kind to breakable things. 


Sunday, June 14, 2015

Day 130 - Sunday Funday

Before I talk about our very fun Sunday, I will post a bit more about Henry's party.  We had his party at the Fire Museum, which was just perfect.  It is a great place - interactive, educational, clean, air-conditioned, and never too crowded.  We've been having a heat wave here so the "air-conditioned" part was key.  The car temperature read 99 degrees yesterday.  Yikes.

Many of Henry's friends, both from school and otherwise, were at his party yesterday, and he loved it.  I could hear "Henry, wait for me" almost all day.  I think that kids that age are borderline incapable of walking places.  They run, and boy did they run around that museum yesterday.  They also gave the slide and fire pole quite the workout.  The kids played for about an hour, and then we had cake.  The Transformers cake was a big hit and pretty tasty too.  As I said yesterday, Henry loved when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him.  He was grinning ear to ear, and eating up the attention.

Post-cake, the kids played for a little bit longer, we cleaned up, and headed out.  An hour and a half is the perfect amount of time for a birthday party.  Time to play, time to have cake, and time to get home.  We lost a few balloons to the ceiling of the Fire Museum, but most of them went home with party guests or us.

After the party, we had some heavy snack food and drinks at our house.  It was a great day to end the day.  Most of us were in bed before 10pm.

Today was also very fun. My mom and Glen came for brunch on their way out of town.  After they left, we went out in my brother's boat!  He is actually staying for the week and brought his boat with him.  We went to a bar at a marina that is about a 45-min ride away, had some drinks, and came back.  We saw some dolphins playing in the water while we were riding around.  Very pretty.

We are going to grill and take it easy tonight. Jim, Kathy and Kevin are heading back to Virginia tomorrow so we are going to enjoy their company tonight before they have to head back to real life.


Saturday, June 13, 2015

Day 129 - Party

Henry's birthday party was today, and that child was so full of smiles.  It was really awesome. He loved every single second of it.  He couldn't wait for it to get started and was a great host.  He basically had all of his friends rounded up and playing at the Fire Museum.

I think that his favorite part was when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him.

It was an incredible day, and I will write more about it tomorrow. I am exhausted today!

Friday, June 12, 2015

Day 128 - Dreams

Whoa did I have some crazy dreams last night. I really only remember one of them though.  In my dream, my surgery and last chemo got scheduled on the same day so I had my lumpectomy then hightailed it (on foot in my hospital gown) to chemo.  I was having trouble finding my clothes so just went for it because I did not want to miss my last chemo.  I also remember my oncologist and surgeon coming to talk to me before surgery, and I told them both that I was expecting a PCR. It was a very strange and funny dream.

Henry woke up during the night and must have taken a while to fall back asleep because he slept until nearly 9:00 this morning.  That almost never happens.  When we realized that he was taking it easy this morning, we decided to just keep him home with Mike for the day.  I was going to pick him up early anyway so he and Mike had a guys day while I worked.  I did steal him during a quick lunch break to go to the party store to pick out balloons for tomorrow.  Henry's eyes lit up when we walked in there, and I think that he would have spent hours in the store if I let him.

Instead, we hustled through, ordered some balloons and picked out a button for him to wear on his shirt tomorrow.  Henry picked out a Transformers balloon so I guess his party will have a Transformers/firetruck theme.  This is me not being too controlling over this and letting him go with it.  Hard for me to do sometimes when I plan events for a living.  This is not an event, though. It's just a fun way to celebrate an awesome little boy.

Family started to arrive this afternoon, and we will have a fun weekend together.

I got a letter in the mail from my health insurance company notifying me that they are going to cover my taxol/carboplatin treatments.  Good thing since I only have one more to go.  Wonder why that letter took so long to get processed.  I maintain my gratitude for our really good health insurance.  I had no idea how important it would become to me, but goodness am I glad to have such excellent coverage!

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Day 127 - Henry's Card

I managed to write in Henry's birthday card today.  I was in a much more emotionally stable place than earlier in the week/over the weekend so figure it would be a good time to good time to do that.  I wrote on the front and back of the card as well as 5 index cards so clearly I had a lot to say.  The card is sealed in placed with the cards from his other birthdays.  I was not too weepy writing in the card, much to my surprise.  I wrote in my bubble/wave handwriting, and it takes up a lot of space, hence the 5 extra index cards.

I hope that he likes reading those cards one day.  I told him about all of the trips that we took since his 3rd birthday, told him about what he has enjoyed doing during the past year, and I told him about how awesome his laugh is.  He really has the best laugh.  Of course, there was mention (or more than mention) of my diagnosis as well as the other things that have gone on this year, but that was not the entire focus of the card, of course. 

We've got some family coming into town this weekend for Henry's birthday party so we are working on a few preparations for that.  Henry is SO excited about his Transformer's cake and birthday party.  It is really cute to hear him talk about it.

I took Henry to school today to meet his new teacher.  He will have the same teacher for the "summer session" as well as for the school's 4-year old program.  She has been in the toddler room at the school for the past few months and is ready to move onto the big kids.  She seems very nice, and I look forward to what she can teach Henry.

Today was an excellent day, and I continue to feel better and better after the last round of chemo.  Chemo is such a roller coaster with its crazy ups and downs. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Day 126 - Visualization

In the chemo home stretch, I have been incorporating some visualization techniques into each day.  I will take a few minutes at a time to close my eyes and picture the chemo killing the cancer cells in my body.  I see it rushing to the tumor site, totally enveloping it and killing it. I know that it sounds a bit off of the reservation, but I am trying anything at this point.  I am mostly still on the reservation.  Mostly...

The mind is a powerful thing so why not try to harness it.  

I've also been delving into the world of essential oils a little bit.  Almost immediately after I was diagnosed, a friend who is a Young Living distributor sent me a care package with some oils in it. And by immediately, I mean that I told her about my diagnosis and had a package on my doorstep within 2 days.  I am using the oils to help with general well-being and my medical team is aware of my using them.  I signed up as a member so that I can order more so let me know if you want anything oily and smelly...such a good promo, huh?  I am just learning but have enjoyed them so far.

There are also some dietary supplements that I intend to take after I am finished with chemo (and as long as my radiation oncologist is ok with them).  There is conflicting evidence about supplements and TNBC, but tumeric/curcumin and rose hips all have show effectiveness against TNBC in certain settings.  My doctor prefers that I wait until after chemo to start taking those to avoid any potential interactions, and I am ok with that.

Additional evidence shows that taking a low dose of asprin can help avoid recurrence so that is something that I will also be researching.  I am curious to know if asprin reduces inflammation which reduces the risk or if there is something in the asprin that specifically reduces the risk.  If risk reduction is due to reduced inflammation, I'd prefer to go about that with diet than aspirin.

And finally, I am going to also be working hard to lower my BMI.  Being at a healthier weight has shown to lower the risk for recurrence.  That is something that is on my mind right now (and I try to keep it somewhat under control) but is not top priority.  That will change soon though as it is something that I can easily control WITH some good old fashioned self-control.

Henry had a follow up doc appt this morning and was put in another hard cast. He chose blue for this round, and the doctor feels like he will be able to be out of the cast in 2 weeks.  The swelling in his elbow is almost entirely gone, but Henry did have some tenderness when the doc was feeling the area so back in the cast he goes.  It is safe to say that the novelty of the cast has worn off for Mike and me, but Henry is still really into it.  I'm ready for us to be able to spend time at the beach and pool, and it seems like that will be able to happen soon. 

I picked Henry up tonight, and we were walking out with a little girl in his class and her mom.  The girl looks at her mom and says "why does Henry's mommy not have any hair?"  Her poor mother looked like she wanted to melt into the parking lot.  I felt badly for her.  I told the mom that I would answer and looked at the girl and delivered my standard party line that I have to take some medicine that makes my hair fall out.  Does the trick every time.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Day 125 - Seven Years

Today is my 7-year work anniversary. (there is that number showing up in a blog post again)  Talk about time flying!  It's hard to believe how much has happened in the last 7 years, both personally and professionally.  I think that I've said this before, but I've experienced so many major life milestones while working at PCIA - getting married, moving to Charleston, having Henry, and cancer diagnosis...to name a few.  Just puts into perspective how long I have actually been working there, and I look forward to adding many more life milestones to my tenure.

I have learned so much over the past 7 years, and I have grown up a lot.  I enjoy my job and am grateful for it and for all of the support that I have from my company in all aspects of my life.

I had to go to the doctor to get my lupron injection today.  I should only need one more after today, and I am glad.  That shot hurts during and for a few days after (right in the old keister), and the side effects have been unpleasant.  I am ready to work on getting my body back to normal (or better) functioning.

My poor eyelashes and eyebrows continue to thin.  I counted 4 little lashes under my right eye as I was attempting to put mascara on them before departing for the doctor.  It's pretty tricky to target apply mascara, and I will probably give up soon.  I really love mascara though.  The hair on my head is growing slowly in some places and not at all in others.  I have not been terribly bothered by my bald head, but I am ready to have some hair back.  I will settle for super super short hair as long as there is some coverage on my dome.  I wonder how long it will take for me to get the point where my hairstyle looks intentional..it will be interesting to see how that all pans out.

I also have a tentative date for my surgery - July 17.  I've never been so excited to go under the knife in my life.  It is time to get any cancer (if there is any left...HOPEFULLY NOT) out of my body, and I am very eager for that to happen.  I should be cleared for surgery by my oncologist on July 14 so let's just get it done that week.  My surgeon's nurse almost scheduled me for July 15 but we both though it best to wait a few extra days just in case my blood counts are low on the 14th.  They won't be, but why not be on the safe side.  

The numbness that I was experiencing in my fingers is pretty much gone, but I am still achy from last week's chemo.  I spent most of today with a heating pad and various essential oils on my back for relief.  It worked.  I should probably also treat myself to a better desk chair at some point in my life.  The one that I have used to be my brother's (I think), and I stole it from him when we first moved to Charleston, unsure of how long I would be working from home.  6 years later...

I recently found out that one of my hotel sales reps is a breast cancer survivor.  She and I set aside a few minutes today to talk about our individual experiences.  We have a lot of similarities and a lot of differences with our diagnoses and treatments, but we've both heard the words "you have cancer" and will be forever bonded because of it. 

Monday, June 8, 2015

Day 124 - Four

I just can't believe that my baby is 4-years old today.  It seems like he was making his grand entrance into this world just yesterday.  I walked into Henry's room this morning to " Mom, I'm 4 now!"  He is really excited to be 4, and I know that it is going to be a wonderful year.  This may sound trite, but each year with that little boy keeps getting better.  His laughter is contagious, he caring nature touches my heart every day, and he's got such an incredible spirit.  I am so lucky to be his mom and to watch him grow up.  He is such a happy child, and that makes me so happy.

Henry was immediately showered with attention when he walked into school, and we've got plans for pizza, cake and presents this evening.  The Transformers balloon that was waiting for him this morning was a huge hit, and I have a feeling that there are many more gifts on tap for the week.  Henry is the only grandchild on both sides of our family so special occasions are well-celebrated for him.  As my Grandma recently said to me, "spoil the boy!"  She's right.

Each of Henry's birthdays has been marked with various emotions from me, and this year is no different.  My emotions are running high today because I am just so happy that he is my child and that we get to celebrate so many wonderful moments together.

A little sweaty, a little dirty, and a lot happy! 

Henry got a lot of presents today and was very eager to open them when he got home from school.  He is just starting to get into Legos (among a million other things) and was very happy to have some waiting for him when he got home.  Henry and Mike spent over an hour putting together a Lego firetruck, and he's got his eyes on a police station and some super heroes for tomorrow.  Very fun.

Here's to many many many many MANY more wonderful moments.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Day 123 - Survivor

June 7 is National Cancer Survivors' Day, and I intend to celebrate it for many many years to come.  When I was first diagnosed, I joined a FB group called Breast Cancer Survivors, and the administrator of the page does a little screening on any requests to join to make sure that the members are all who have been given a diagnosis of breast cancer.  There are other groups for family members and loved ones, but this one is just for us.  The page administrator asked me to tell her a little bit about my diagnosis which I did, and I ended my message with something along the lines of "if this page is only for those who have survived cancer vs. newly diagnosed, I totally understand."  Her almost immediate response was "you are already a survivor, Nancy."  I cried.  I am already a survivor...she was right.

I felt so much better today than yesterday and did not have to take any of my nausea meds.  I just stuck to my non-barfy regimen of various vitamins, antacids and other digestive aids.  No matter where I am in a chemo cycle, the heartburn does not go away.  I will be working hard to heal my digestive system in the post-chemo world and will look forward to putting away the Tums.

We had a fun day marking Henry's last day as a 3-year old.  He's really excited to be 4 tomorrow, and I am excited for him.  We made some cookies for him to take to school to share with his friends and made a small cake for us to have at home tomorrow night.  A lot of sugar, I know, but turning 4 is a big deal.  Also, I make a damn good buttercream frosting (not bragging, just a fact), and I am willing to make it for almost any occasion.  It's just that good.

Henry and I had another water balloon fight in the front yard.  It's really fun, and I highly recommend it.  I totally kicked his butt.  He got me a few times, but he was drenched and full of giggles when I was finished with him.

Henry and I also ran an errand this afternoon to pick up a gift.  I've mentioned before that my neighbor is also undergoing treatment for cancer, and his last chemo is a few days before mine so I picked up something to mark the occasion. More on that to follow as we get a little closer to the time.

This evening, I ran to the store to pick up a balloon for Henry.  I always have a balloon tied to his chair at the table on the morning of his birthday. I've also written on a card for Henry each year for his birthday.  I haven't given him the cards because they would not mean anything to him at this point in his life, but I hope that he will enjoy reading them one day and learning more about when he was little and also reading about how much I love him.  Late last year, I realized that I had not written on a card for him on the actual day that he was born so I went back and wrote to him about that day.  I think he'll enjoy having them when he is older.

This year's card will be much more emotional than others just because this year has been so trying.  I haven't been able to sit down and write it yet, but I've got the card and will probably need to add a page or two to it.  I've become very verbose these days.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Day 122 - Spotlight

The TNBC Foundation has a page on their website on which they feature "spotlight stories."  These stories put a name and a face to TNBC, and many of them are very uplifting and encouraging while some of them are quite the opposite.  I was reading Amber's story on this page yesterday and clicked on the blog link that she included with her story.  Her last blog post was written by someone else informing readers of her death.  I flinched.

I am deeply sorry for Amber's family and sorry for what Amber had to endure.  I am also sorry that the TNBC Foundation website is not more updated.  I don't think that Amber's story should be removed from their website, but I do think that they should set up a memorial page or otherwise acknowledge what happened to her (and others) before the reader stumbles upon the information herself.  I emailed them suggesting such.

I've said this before, and I fully recognize it, but my mental/emotional well-being is directly tied to my physical well-being.  I am still not feeling very well (though much better), and I am not at 100% emotionally either.  PLEASE forgive how selfish this sounds (please), but reading some of those stories did a lot more harm than good. I was not seeking out sad stories..quite the opposite, in fact.

All of that said, there were many many 5-year + survivors featured on the spotlight page, and I went back to read those stories over and over again.  Then I read them one more time for good measure.  There are far more positive stories than negative out there, but fear is a very powerful force and one that I try to conquer on a daily basis.

There was one woman who also included a link to her blog, and her last post was from last month where she announced the birth of her child whom she was successfully breastfeeding.  That is an incredible story, and I am sure that she had some moments when she really questioned whether or not having a child was possible.  I loved reading her story.

Enough emotional stuff from me.  Henry and I had a fun day together, all things considered.  We went to the store and picked out a cake for his birthday party next weekend, and I got some ingredients to make a small cake at home for Monday.  Henry picked out a Transformers cake at the store, and he can't wait to get it next weekend.

Late afternoon, I took him to a playground for a little while.  I sat in the shade and watched him play, and we saw some kids playing with water balloons.  That inspired us to make a stop for water balloons on the way home, and we had a good old fashioned water balloon fight in the front yard (cast covered of course).  It was really fun, and he laughed the whole time.  I got him good a few times too, and peals of laughter followed.  It was adorable, and we've got another water balloon fight on the scheduled for tomorrow.

Today was a mix of emotions, and I am sorry to seem so down in the earlier part of my post.  I endeavor to keep things honest on this blog so that people can try to understand where I am on any given day.  I was all over the map today (clearly) but am mainly grateful for the quality time that I got to spend with my little boy.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Day 121 - 9 Hours

I slept from 9:15pm-6:15am, and I feel so much better.  I got up with Henry this morning and gave Mike a few extra winks...a good sign that I am on the mend.  My stomach is still off, but it is much  better than it was yesterday, and I am not paralyzed with fatigue.  I am achy and my fingers have that familiar numbness, but I am feeling much better overall.

Henry's school was closed today for a teacher workday so Mike and Henry spent the day together running a few errands and picking up some things for Henry's birthday party that is taking place next weekend.  He will be 4 on Monday, and we decided to have his party the weekend after his birthday instead of the weekend before to give me some time to feel better.  I should be mostly (if not all the way) back to myself by next weekend.

I think I was, perhaps, a bit hard on myself in yesterday's blog post.  I didn't mean for it to come across that way, but I think that it did.  I am glad that I gave myself the extra hours to sleep yesterday and that I went to bed really early.  I'm just tired of not feeling well, and I think that was clearly demonstrated yesterday.  I know that I only have one more treatment and that my days of feeling like this are really limited, but it is hard to remember than and focus on it during the immediate post-chemo fog. 

I spent most of the day today crunching numbers for next year's big show.  I am putting in my budget wish list now in hopes of getting started with some new and fun ideas for the event. 

Our office shut down at 3pm today so I hit the bed and rested for a little while. Mike and Henry did yard work, and Henry played with his pal who lives next door.  I'll be in bed early again tonight..probably right after I take some meds at 9pm.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Day 120 - Oh So Sleepy

I am utterly exhausted, and this round continues to hit me pretty hard.  I woke up around 6:30 this morning and promptly went back to sleep until about 11am after emailing my team at work telling them that I would be in late.  I felt like I needed to listen to my body today and need to give myself some more sleep.  I don't love taking more time off of work, but it was very necessary today.

Once I hauled myself out of bed, I ate a little something and took my meds, both of which made me feel a little bit better.  I anticipated feeling worse this time around due to the cumulative nature of chemo, but it is no less frustrating to not feel well.

My main side effects continue to be nausea and fatigue though my fingertips are slightly numb, and I hope that the numbness is short-lived.  This will all be in the rear-view mirror soon enough, and I look forward to that day.

The American Society of Clinical Oncology had their annual conference in Chicago last week, and there were a lot of sessions on TNBC during the conference.  I am glad to know that this particular type of breast cancer is so heavily-researched, and I am eager to see some of that research applied to the clinical setting.  Research moves slowly, but it seems that there is so much on the horizon that will benefit people like me.

Here's an interesting interview that Joan Lunden did with a researcher at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston.  Joan is a TNBC survivor and is certainly working to increase awareness of TNBC.  I am grateful for her work and the work of all of those who are working toward a cure and an improved quality of life for those who are going through cancer treatments.

I officially stayed in my PJs all day..can't remember the last time that happened.  I did the best that I could today, and my best was pretty lame.  Onward to tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Day 119 - Yikes

Round 7 has not been kind to me so far in that I was very barfy today.  No matter how much medicine or bland food I had, I could not get my stomach to feel normal. I ate some small things during the day then managed a small salad for dinner which I maintain is better than I could have done on the A/C chemo so it is all relative.

Today was the perfect day to be off of work.  It was rainy and stormy all day, and I am glad that I did not have to be doing anything other than watching TV in my bed until about 2:45pm.  I went to the doc for some fluids and my neulasta shot, and I do think that the fluids are helpful since dehydration is such a possibility during chemo.

I am not experiencing any other side effects other than fatigue and heartburn yet.  Hopefully the steroids have worn off enough for me to get a really good sleep tonight.  That would certainly help me at work tomorrow.

I'd like to think that round 7 is being so hard on me because it is working to hard to kill cancer.  Keep on working, round 7.  Keep on working.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Day 118 - Seven

I've always been interested in numbers (though I struggle with math) and the meanings/interpretations of them.  I especially enjoyed discussion of numbers during religion classes that I took in both high school and college, and I find movies and books that focus on numerology to be interesting - Da Vinci code and Pi, for example.  The essay that is featured in this article (hard to see the hyperlink but it is there) by Richard Preston regarding Pi is also fascinating.  There is certainly an obsession with that number among many circles. Enough nerdiness (though I will announce that I won an award in high school for having the highest grade in chemistry that year so some nerd will always remain), but I do tend to be aware of numbers and how they have been interpreted throughout history.

In Christianity, the number seven is considered to be the number of completeness and perfection. What that really means is totally open to interpretation, but I am going to twist that number around for my own personal use right about now.  I think that chemo #7 is going to be the official knockout round for my cancer.  I've always liked the number 7 and think that good things are associated with it.  I told my doctor that today (without all of the other crazy involved in this post), and he agreed that today WILL be the knockout round and the last treatment will just be an added bonus if you really want to use the word "bonus" when talking about chemo, and I clearly do.

My doctor had a tough time finding the tumor when he did an exam during my appointment...another really great sign.  I think that it is safe to say that it is smaller than a pea now, and we both agree that you really have to know what you are looking for in order to feel it now.  I am so thankful.  Since we are drawing so near to the end of chemo, I asked my oncologist when he thinks that I might be released for surgery, and he said that they will check blood work 3 weeks after my last chemo treatment, and if everything looks good, I'll be ready for surgery.  If history is any indication, my blood counts should be back to normal by 3 weeks after chemo so surgery should happen in mid-July.

We also addressed some of the neuropathy that I experienced after my last treatment, and he was concerned but not as badly as I thought that he would be because the neuropathy went away after about a week.  Had the neuropathy persisted between treatments, I could have been facing a treatment delay or dosage reduction, but all was good today.   We'll see what the next 3 weeks bring in relation to that. Hopefully any issues will be mild and will go away again.

I'll admit that I am not really looking forward to the upcoming nausea, fatigue and aches, but those are a small price to pay for the opportunity to be healthy again.  Very small price.

Here's a pic from today.  My nurse took it because Mike had stepped out, and right before she took the picture, she said "can you fix your hair."  Made me laugh, as you can tell.  Nothing like a good bald joke to keep things light in the chemo room.  I think that this image exemplifies my desire to continue to make the best of a bad situation.  I absolutely do not take what I am doing lightly (far from it), but I have been able to find humor during some pretty stressful times, and getting chemo is one of them.

Chemo #7

I had a private room again today, and I asked for it because the rooms have a better wi-fi signal than the chairs in the common area so it works out well.  I watched Netflix and did work during my 5-hour infusion.

I can officially say that I have one chemo left!!!  I've been waiting for a long time to say that, and it sounds so great.  ONE MORE CHEMO.

I am taking tomorrow off for some sleep and relaxation and will be back at the doctor's office for some fluids and my neulasta shot in the afternoon.  The fluids really helped me bounce back faster last time so I am glad that they have agreed to give them to me again.  Worth the time and slight discomfort from accessing my port two days in a row. 

Monday, June 1, 2015

Day 117 - Changed

I was talking to my therapist last week about change and how much of a changed person I am.  I believe that I said something along the lines of "I'd like to figure out how to move past this and create my new normal." She said that my way of thinking is a really good sign for my ability to cope well in a post-cancer world.  Many of her patients are of the mindset that they want to get through treatment and get back to the way that things were, and that is just not possible.  There is no way that I can go back to the Nancy that I was on February 2 of this year, but I can (and will) put the pieces back together and figure out my new life.

We were also talking about how one pushes the figurative pause button upon such a life-altering diagnosis, and I think that metaphor is really perfect.  We have hunkered down and pressed pause on a lot of things in order to work through this treatment plan of mine.  It has been disappointing and frustrating at times but very very necessary. My "cancer coach" through the hospital once told me to just set aside this year for treatment.  I thought that she was exaggerating, but she really wasn't...I probably won't be done with treatment until Q4 of this year after starting in Q1 (nerd alert).

I know that I have talked about the changes that I have experienced and will continue to experience on this blog before, and it turns out that my acknowledgement of that is part of a very healthy way of thinking.  I am glad that my expectations seem somewhat realistic. 

Between my first and second sessions, my therapist also asked me two write down any scary thoughts that popped into my head.  She read them when I was there last week and now wants me to go through and mark which of the thoughts are fact-based vs. which are based on my imagination/opinion.  I have a feeling that almost all of them will be the latter, and she wants me to have a visual representation of that.  I like the assignments that she gives to me as they help me focus on healing and healthy thoughts between our sessions, and I imagine that is the whole point of the assignments.

Today flew by. We recently filled a vacancy in my department at work so the whole team had a big kickoff meeting today.  I lead the meeting via phone, to my disappointment, but there is not much else I can do.  I thought about trying to go up to my office for a quick trip, but I was not willing to risk any flight delays/cancellations since I have treatment tomorrow.  Plus, it is probably still not terribly wise for me to travel and be around so many germs.  Soon enough.

Treatment #7 is on deck for tomorrow, and I'll have a lot to say about it.  I am a bit nervous, as always, but mostly excited to be able to say that I HAVE ONE CHEMO LEFT.  Tomorrow!  Tomorrow, I can say that.