Excitedous = nervous/excited all at the same time.
I am a bundle of nerves over tomorrow. I know that I "should" be excited and so happy that I will be done with chemo after tomorrow, but sometimes there is a pretty big difference in how one "should" feel vs. how she really does feel. To be clear - I am mostly THRILLED that my last chemo is tomorrow. I am so very tired of feeling badly after each treatment, and I am ready to keep moving through the rest of my treatment.
I am anxious because tomorrow is my last chance for the chemo to kill all of the cancer. It's my last chance for a pathological complete response, and that, quite frankly, scares me. It scares me that the safety net is very slowly being pulled away. Obviously, I have a lot more treatment to go and many more weapons in my arsenal. I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow about what we might be able to do if I don't get a complete response then I am going to endeavor to put that out of my head and feel good about what I have done. After tomorrow, I will have completed 8 rounds of some of the nastiest treatment out there, and I have done so while maintaining my roles as mother, wife, daughter, sister, family member, friend, employee, and colleague. I am damn proud of that.
Life will never be the same, but I think that it can be better. Better because I really do know my own strength, I know how I handle extreme adversity, and I truly know what is important in life. Not to continue to toot my own horn here, but I handle adversity well. It more than sucks that I learned these things in this fashion, but that is the hand that I was dealt.
I feel good about the treatment that I have done, and I will be able to rest mostly well knowing that I have completed this course of chemo. Tomorrow is a big deal to me, and I am excited/scared out of my mind about it. It's a bit nuts how I can experience such extreme opposing emotions at the same time.
I am doing a couple of things to celebrate tomorrow. I bought a special shirt to wear that I will show off in a picture tomorrow, and I have some treats to take to my doctor and nurses. I want to thank them for what they have done for me. There is really no way to properly thank a group of people who have saved my life, but I will attempt to do so with some cards and some treats. I am also giving my oncologist a special bottle of wine from Jessup Cellars in Napa. Mike and I went there on our honeymoon in 2008 and were members of their wine club for several years after until we had Henry and needed our money for more important things. My doctor indicated that he likes wine during my first appointment with him so I think that he will appreciate this one. I hope that he does.
A very special guest will also be joining me for my last chemo. I am lucky enough to have two best friends who really are like sisters to me and who have been right by my side during these past 4 months (as they always have been). Reagan has agreed to come with me to my last chemo. She and I have been friends since we moved here in 2009, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. Reagan and Mike used to work together at Kiawah, and we went out to dinner with her and her husband within months of us moving to Charleston, and something just clicked. Reagan was skeptical of me at first because I only had one glass of wine at dinner that night, but I made up for that the next time we hung out at the Folly Beach St. Patrick's Day bar crawl (yikes).
I tell Reagan everything, probably some things she wished I didn't, and we have been through many major life milestones at the same time. Her oldest child and Henry are 4 months apart in age, and it has been so much fun watching them grow up together. She and I rarely have uninterrupted time to sit and talk, and it is something that I miss very much. I am excited that she will be there with me tomorrow, and am equally as excited for the opportunity to just catch up. I am one of her biggest fans, and I know that she is one of mine too.
Emotions are running very high as I mentally prepare for tomorrow. It will be a very important day that I will never forget.
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