Day 116 - Boating

We've spent the last two day on the lake on a boat, and it is quite the life!  My brother got a boat about a month ago so we had to come up and see what the hype was all about, and it is really awesome.

Yesterday, we took the boat to a restaurant to grab lunch and spent the rest of the day riding around the lake, either going really fast (Henry's favorite) or just cruising so that we could all talk and relax a little bit. We let Henry get into the water on one little island.  His cast was totally covered, and we did not let him get in too deep.  He was thrilled, and his cast survived with the cover on it.

We stayed in a hotel downtown (well in Charlotte, it is called Uptown) vs. with Franklin.  He's got some friends living with him for the time-being, and we wanted to get a better feel for other parts of Charlotte anway.  It is official - I miss being in a more urban area.  We walked out of our hotel to dinner and spent a little while meandering around the city on the way back.  Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of places in Charleston where one can walk to shops and restaurants, but those places are not terribly near us.

Charlotte is on the list of places I would live one day.  Congratulations to the City of Charlotte.

This morning, I had breakfast with the salesperson at our hotel.  I had been talking to him about event space at the hotel for a few weeks now so we decided to stay here so that I could check it out.  I was just going to snoop around myself, but he offered breakfast and a quick meeting so that is what I did. The hotel is really beautiful and has nice meeting space. It is probably a bit small for our needs, but the property is right across from the Charlotte Convention Center so there may be something that we can figure out.

After breakfast, we went back to Franklin's and got back out on the boat.  This pretty much sums up the past two days.

Photo courtesy of Uncle Frank. 

We decided to make a day of it and got home around 7:30 tonight.  I had really been itching for a slight change of pace, and this certainly fit the bill.  Big week this week..chemo #7 coming up.

Day 115 - Away

We got out of dodge for the day/night and came up to Charlotte to see my brother.  (don't worry, creepy internet people, our house is being watched).  Franklin recently bought a boat so we got to go for a spin (or several spins), and it was so much fun.  The boat goes really fast, and Henry was loving it.

I'll post some pictures tomorrow..too tired tonight.  I am going to keep this very brief. Much more tomorrow.

Day 114 - Work Friend

In each job that I have had in my career thus far, I've always had at least one work friend. Someone with whom I have really bonded and someone who kept/keeps me sane.  Without fail, that particular work friend became a friend friend when one of us left the company.

My PCIA work friend's last day was today, and I will miss her so much.  We've kept each other mostly sane during the years, and have shared so many laughs and fun times.  It will not be the same there without her.   I know that we will drop the word "work" from our friendship, but I will miss our daily interactions very much.

I cried when she called me to say goodbye (but not really goodbye) this afternoon, and I think that a majority of those tears come from how profoundly grateful I am to her for the way that she was there for me on Day 1.  Don't get me wrong, everyone was there for me on Day 1, but she was the first person to give me the biggest hug as I entered into this scary new world. I'll never forget that moment and she will never really know how much of an impact it had on me.

Our office closed at 3 today and will each Friday this summer so I dried my tears and headed out to pick Henry up a bit early.  Last summer, we went to the pool on Friday afternoons, and we will do so again as soon as his cast is off.  

I am looking forward to the weekend, but the nerves are starting to kick up in anticipation of chemo next week.  I get a little bit anxious before each treatment because I don't want to feel badly for several days after, and I always fear new side effects.  I am fortunate in that I only have 2 more treatments to go so I can deal with the nerves a few more times.

Day 113 - What to Say

A very nice woman who works at my dentist's office came up to me yesterday afternoon and said "I'm sorry that I didn't say anything to you last week when you were here.  I didn't know what to say, but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and praying for you."  It's hard to know what to say sometimes, but what she said was perfect.  Sometimes, the simplest words mean the very most, and it is wonderful to know when someone is thinking about you or saying prayers for you. 

I regret not offering up similar words to some who have been hurting and know that I will never miss an opportunity again.  I simply didn't know how powerful those words are but I do now. I've noticed myself becoming much more forthcoming when telling people how I feel about them (in a nice way), and that is a good thing. No one can hear "I love you" too many times.

I've also become much more direct when things bother me or feel a bit off, and that has been welcome.

Had a great appointment with my therapist this afternoon.  I really like her a lot, and I think that she is going to really be able to help me adjust some of my thinking.  She spent a lot of time talking about how the mind can really impact physical well-being, and it reminded of something that happened on Day 1.

On Day 1, I knew that my surgeon was going to call me with the results of my biopsy and he was either going to tell me that I have cancer or that I don't.  When I saw a Charleston number show up on my phone, my heart started to race, my face flushed, my hands started to shake, and I could hardly breathe.  That all happened before I even answered the phone. Just recounting that story here made my heart beat a little bit faster.

The quest to focus on healthy thoughts continues and learning how to do so will be an important part of my healing.

Day 112 - Orange is the New Cast

Henry got a new cast today and chose orange for this round.  The swelling around his elbow has gone down considerably, but the doctor is still not convinced that he has an actual break. He's treating it as though he does to be on the safe side though which I appreciate.  He goes back for a follow up appointment on June 10 so we'll see where we go from there.

I was able to have my tooth, or lack thereof, looked at at 2:30 today.  Old tooth #14 and I go way back.  It has had a crown, followed by two root canals.  The first root canal happened when we lived in DC, and you can probably imagine my surprise when that tooth started hurting years later after we moved to Charleston.  It should not have hurt at all because there was nothing there, in theory.  Turns out that I have 4 roots in that tooth, and one is hard to see on x-rays.  The first dentist missed it so a new doctor here went ahead and re-root canaled all roots in that tooth.  Pretty awesome (sarcasm).  The crown has been drilled through twice, once for each root canal, and I am impressed that it has held on for as long as it has.  It's twin, tooth #7, has experience similar issues but has only had 1 root canal, thank goodness.

My dentist cemented the crown on again, and this dentist was more thorough than the last.  I saw the other dentist in the practice last time I was there.  The crown felt better today than it did after having it put back on last week so I hope that it will stay put this this time.  

Mike and I were in stitches over my missing tooth last night and today. He joked about how he walked in from the back porch, and I was just standing over the sink rinsing off my tooth that had just fallen off. There is something funny about that. We also laughed as I departed for the dentist with my tooth in my purse today.

Charleston was a disaster traffic-wise yesterday so my monthly young survivors dinner was cancelled last night and rescheduled for next Tuesday.  I won't be able to go next week due to chemo, and I will miss seeing the group.  They are a lot of fun and most certainly understand my current situation.

I continue to feel well and have a lot of energy and am ready for these next two rounds of chemo. I'd like to think that these are the knockout rounds as the previous 6 have been so effective.  Time to finish this tumor off! Bring it on.

Day 111 - Cards

I've saved every card that I've gotten since February (I have hoarding tendencies) because they have all meant so much to me.  I am not sure if I will ever go back and re-read them, but I can't let myself part with them either.  The beautifully written words of support, kindness, love and strength have gotten me through some some really hard times.  Part of me will want to put this whole nightmare behind me at one point (even the really wonderful parts), but another part of me will want to hold onto these incredible displays of love forever.

It's amazing how impactful words can be.  I've always had an appreciation for the written word and enjoy both sending and receiving hand-written cards.  I am woefully behind on thank you notes that I need to send to people, but hopefully everyone understands.  Woefully behind though.

Henry was supposed to see the doctor to have his arm looked at, but there was an incident on the largest bridge in town that basically shut down parts of Charleston. Henry's appointment was on the other side of town, and they would have had to cross the bridge so we rescheduled.  They will go tomorrow morning.

The crown that I had re-cemented last week came off as I was eating a piece of deli turkey this evening.  What the heck?  I had a feeling that it was loose again, and that was confirmed as I almost broke another tooth when biting down on it.  Hopefully the dentist can see me tomorrow. I hope that they just did not get the crown back on the right way vs. my needing a new crown. Crowns are expensive, and my dental insurance is not so wonderful.  I actually got a statement of benefits saying that the insurance covered $2.50 of the $105 re-cementing fee from last week.  $2.50!  Why bother?

I sound like a crazy person, but I just have to laugh about my tooth.  It is way in the back so no one can see that it is missing.  Oh 2015...

Day 110 - Memorial

A friend of mine's younger brother died in Afghanistan last year. He was young, full of life, and was serving his country when he was killed.  Today, we remember him and all of those who have died fighting for our freedom.  They were sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, cousins; and I have no doubt that they are all deeply missed.

While some have paid the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, all of those who have fought have made sacrifices.  They have left parts of their bodies, at times, and parts of their souls on the battlefield, and are forever changed.

Today, we remember those who lost their lives.  I know that Memorial Day is dedicated to the memory of those who have died serving their country, I think that it is also an appropriate time to also thank those who continue to risk their lives for our freedom.

I was talking to Henry about Memorial Day a few days ago and told him that he did not have to go to school today because of Memorial Day.  When he asked about the day, I told him that today is a special day to thank the soldiers.

This morning, as we were walking downstairs, Henry said, "Mom, are the soldiers coming to our house."  Me, "No, buddy, they will be with their own families."  Henry, "Well how are we supposed to tell them thank you."  It was a very sweet exchange, and we settled on that we would tell a solider thank you if we saw one out today or any day.

We had a very nice day.  Ran some errands, got some new plants for our house, and some friend came over late this afternoon.  They came armed with two lasagnas and two peanut butter pies to stock our freezer.  What great friends!  We'll enjoy reaching for those in the coming months when we don't feel up to cooking, which happens pretty often after treatments.

Happy Memorial Day, and thank you to all who have served, especially John Pelham who made the ultimate sacrifice.

Day 109 - Bedtime

When Henry was little, we were crazy about bedtime.  He was in bed no later than 7:30 like clockwork lest he completely fall apart.  He needed the sleep and the routine.  Now that he is nearing the age of 4, we have found that we can stretch that bedtime just a little bit which gives us a little bit more flexibility if we have people over or are out.

Tonight, Henry went to bed at 9:15 which is way late for him, but he hung in there like a champ.  We went out to Kiawah this afternoon to see my parents and family friends (who are like parents), and we were having such a nice time with them that we didn't want to leave.  It is nice to be able to push bedtime just a little bit.

We caught up with the Kiawah(ers) out crabbing, but they were not having much luck due to the alligators stealing their bait.  They caught 6 decent-sized crabs and decided to call it a day.  We went back to the house and wrapped up Henry's cast in a garbage bag and walked on the beach.  He was not allowed near the water, and I didn't want him really playing in the sand, but the walk was enjoyable.  Henry got some of his wiggles out, and it was beautiful out on the beach.

We saw a baby alligator on the side of the road walking back from the beach.  While it was cool to see, we stayed way far back in case mom alligator was nearby.  They are fiercely protective of their young (aren't we all).

It was a really lovely day, and I am so glad that there is one more day remaining in the weekend.

Day 108 - Short

I'm going to keep this one pretty short. Today was great and markedly uneventful.  Mike played golf this afternoon so I took Henry to the aquarium to see the new shark exhibit.  It was pretty underwhelming to be honest. It is a great big touch tank with 2 sharks and a handful of stingrays in it. The sharks didn't come close enough for us to be able to touch them (and I kind of can't believe they let people do that..the sharks could really get hurt), but Henry did enjoy seeing some sharks up close and personal.

We attemped to go to the 4D IMAX movie at the aquarium, but as soon as a giant cartoon dinosaur roared at us in 4D, Henry was out.  Luckily the IMAX access comes with our membership so leaving the movie after 2 minutes was not and issue, and it wouldn't have been even if we had to pay for access to the movie. I wasn't going to force him to watch something that scared him.

Otherwise, low-key and very enjoyable day!  The weather here is picture-perfect.

Day 107 - Long Weekend

I love long weekends, and I find myself excited to be at the beginning of one.  It's the official start of summer, and though we probably won't be doing a ton of water-related activities this weekend, we can still celebrate summer.  I ordered a waterproof cast cover for Henry to try out this weekend.  While I don't want him to test it to the point of going swimming, it could allow him to play on the beach a little bit.  This particular cast cover has a pump that creates a vacuum seal around the arm so it should keep out sand and water if it works.  It will be here tomorrow morning (thank you, Amazon Prime) so stay tuned.

I also plan to take Henry to the aquarium this weekend.  They have a brand new shark exhibit that we have not seen so that will be fun.  There are other non-water/non-bounce castle/trampoline things that we can do this weekend if we end up needing more entertainment. Hopefully Henry's days in a cast are relatively short-lived, but we'll make the best of the cast days. 

Long weekends are also a time to sleep in (well Mike and I will take turns sleeping in), eat late breakfasts, spend a lot of time playing, go for long bike rides, and be generally lazy.  I am pretty happy about that.

There are some great things on the horizon at work.  We're jumping in on logistics for the October event in LA, and planning ahead for 2016 and beyond events.  It is always so much fun to think about what can be done at these events...there are really no restrictions when it comes to thinking of new and creative ways to do things.  I love it.  Planning events is very satisfying - you get to see your work come to life as the event takes place, and there is a definite start and stop to each event.  There is something very rewarding about seeing it all come together.

Mike and I kicked off the long weekend by watching the movie This is Where I Leave You.  It was so funny.  Highly inappropriate but so funny...I recommend it.

Happy long weekend.

Day 106 - Lately

I've been feeling very well, both physically and mentally, over the past couple of days.  I find that my emotional/mental well-being is somewhat dependent upon my amount of sleep as well as my physical well-being.  When those are off, I am just off all around.  Thankfully, all has been well in all departments.  Chemo certainly sends one on a roller coaster ride.  You're up, you're down, you're upside down, there are twists and turns, and you just hold on tight some days.  I guess the intellectual side of me knew that, going into this, but it's hard to fully grasp until experiencing it.

I was able to get some exercise today in the form of a bike ride.  I forgot how much fun it is to ride a bike, and the wind helps offset some of the sweat and effort.  I usually feel that more when I stop my ride vs. during it.  I did not go terribly far but plan to do more tomorrow.  I have to build back up to a certain extent.

Henry is totally unfazed by his cast.  He has been acting as normally as possible, but I did hear him say to a friend "only one of my hands works right now."  He's right.  The cast comes so far up on his hand that it is hard for him to use it too much.

Summer is really starting to kick in here.  It was in the 90s yesterday, and we had a major thunderstorm yesterday afternoon.  I love that about the summer..the atmosphere just heats up all day until it finally boils over.

Not much else to report from me today.  I am looking forward to the long weekend and many more days of feeling well.

Day 105 - Boss

Today was a huge day!  My boss and a member of my team at work came to Charleston to meet with me.  They flew in late last night, and we were able to sit and meet all day today.  We recapped this year's big show and talked about future planning.  It was awesome. I am used to seeing them pretty regularly either in our office in DC or during various other travels, and it had been so long since I had actually seen them.  We talk very very often, of course, but it was great to see them in person.

We took some time for a nice lunch at a really good restaurant downtown and were able to spend some time catching up. It means so very much to me that they took the time to come down and see me. Travel can be time-consuming and usually happens outside of normal business hours so this was a sacrifice for them.  I got to show them a little bit of downtown Charleston, but driving rain and thunderstorms prevented us from doing any walking around which was too bad.  Hopefully they will come back for fun sometime.

Henry enjoyed showing off his cast at school today, and I think that it will be good for him to get back into his normal routine after about a week and a half out. He's got some good friends in his class, and I know that he loved telling them all about his adventures in Virginia and with his new cast.

I've been looking forward to today for a few weeks, and it did not disappoint.  I've got some really great people in my life in all facets, and I continue to be amazed by the lengths that people will go for me. It is a truly humbling experience.

Day 104 - On the Mend

Henry is officially under doctor's care in SC and is on the mend.  The doctor reviewed his x-rays from the ER in VA and thinks that he saw a break but is not entirely convinced that he has a fracture in his elbow and thinks that he'll be able to determine more during a follow up visit next week once some of the swelling has gone down.  In the meantime, Henry is the proud owner of a red hard cast and is really thrilled about it.  He rattled off 5 color choices when prompted but finally settled on red.

After the doctor, we went to Whole Foods to grab some lunch with a gift card that we had.  I am glad that Whole Foods is not closer to our house because I am a fool for their salad bar and tend to pick the heaviest items that they have.  I would be broke.  As we were driving away, I noticed a piece of paper flapping under the windshield wiper.  I MacGyvered it from the windshield and saw the note below:

Someone must have spotted me getting out of the car and felt compelled to leave such a kind note.  This type of gesture is rare under any circumstances, but I appreciate it so much.  This woman (absolutely a woman's handwriting) did not have to take the time out of her day to let me know that she was thinking about me, but she did, and I am very grateful.  Henry and I must have been quite a sight walking in to the store hand-in-hand - me with my bald head and him with his red cast.  Mike was a few steps ahead of us, thankfully, as he would have totally thrown off our image.

We kept Henry home from his preschool today because of the timing of his doctor's appointment and because we did not want to send him back until he had a hard cast.  He'll be the talk of the school tomorrow and will enjoy telling his friends all about his trip to Virginia and his new arm wear.

I am glad that we were able to get Henry to a local doctor today and got him into a hard cast. He can do much more with the new cast, and I am not as nervous that he will further damage his elbow.  I had to battle with our pediatrician's office yesterday to get Henry an appointment today.  They initially told me that a referral would take up to 3 days.  When I explained to them that we do not need referrals for our insurance, I just needed a recommendation for a local doctor, the receptionist told me to still expect a 3-day turnaround.  After a call to the practice administrator at our pediatrician's office and a conversation with another, very helpful, receptionist, things moved much faster.  Funny how that happens.  I hate to be so pushy (well I don't really hate to be), but I am not waiting 3 days for them to give me the phone number for another doctor.  Sorry...I'm just not.  Don't mess with mom.

Day 103 - The Boys are Back in Town

Mike and Henry got back from Virginia this afternoon, and I am SO glad for them to be home.  Like a good little blogger, I did not announce their absence on the world wide web, but it was strange not talking about them being away all week.  My mom was here with me Monday-Saturday, and I was solo for two nights.  I had very mixed emotions about Mike and Henry going away without me and was mainly just sad to not see them for a whole week.  I've been away from them for a week at a time many times, but it has always been me away vs. them.  The house was so quiet that it was almost eerie at times.

I was able to get a lot of rest last week, and my mom spoiled me rotten...completely rotten.  She made sure that I had everything that I could possibly need and more, and we also got so spend some rare time together which was very nice.  We talked a lot, laughed a lot, and she took me to my many appointments last week.  She got to meet all of the wonderful nurses who are taking great care of me and got to see Dr. Keogh and his nurse again (she was with me for my first oncologist appointment).  I am so glad that she was here.  I'll never say that I am grateful for being ill, but I am grateful that she and I got to spend time together that we would not have otherwise had. 

Henry came home with some new bling in the form of a temporary cast and sling on his right arm.  He fractured his elbow last night right before bedtime. Mike did not know that it was fractured until Henry woke up in pain around 10pm, and he saw that his elbow was really swollen.  They went to the ER, and x-rays confirmed a fracture.  Henry is not in pain and is in good spirits, and we have an appointment to take him for a more permanent cast tomorrow.  He's pretty fascinated by doctors and hospitals so this is really right up his alley, and he is really thinking hard about what color cast he might like to have.  I am hopeful that they can put him in a waterproof cast or at least give us a waterproof sleeve for him so that we can go to the beach this weekend.  He'll be restricted from some activities, but I don't see this cramping his style too much.  He's a tough cookie.

I was very sad not to be there for Henry last night, but I would have felt as helpless as Mike did so there was not really anything I could have done other than offer extra hugs and kisses.  Mike, Grandma and Papa had the situation well under control. 

I would really like for 2015 to start heading in the more positive direction.  I'll be honest.  Yes, lots of positives are happening with my treatment, and I hope that trend will continue all the way to a complete response.  If that is going to be the big positive of 2015, then I can wait.  Do you hear me, universe?!

I had to get a crown re-cemented at the dentist this afternoon which was pretty uneventful.  I had been feeling it wiggle for a while, and they confirmed that it was loose when I was in for a recent cleaning.  I used to have bad dental-related fears and still do for major work...bring on the sedation.  The combination of a really wonderful dental hygienist/dentist and my recent medical adventures have minimized some of my phobia, but I still stand by the opinion that sharp metal objects should not be anywhere near my teeth.  I mean, how does poking someone's tooth with a razor sharp instrument even sound ok to anyone?

The boys got home right around 4pm, and I gave them both huge hugs and kisses and wrapped up work right at 5 so that I could spend time with them.  One of our really good friends came over for dinner tonight at 7.  I had not seen him since he cut my hair last so a visit was very long overdue.  I made braised Korean short ribs which were a big hit.

Day 102 - Restless

I had a pretty restless night last night.  I took 2 Benadryl before bed and was unsure if I should take a Xanax on top of that...won't make that mistake again.  Bring on the sedatives.  I have an area right above my port that is red and itchy so I took the Benadryl for some relief.  The itchy area is contained to a perfect circle right above one side of my double port, and if it persists, I will call the doctor.  I just don't want them to tell me to come in to have it looked at..would much prefer to pretend like nothing is going on. 

Despite my lack of sleep, today was a pretty good day.  I lazed around for most of the morning then convinced myself to run a few errands.  Post-errands, I went to see Pitch Perfect 2 which did not disappoint.  It was not as good as the first movie, but that tends to be par for the course.  I love going to the movies and don't have the opportunity to do so very often so take advantage when I can. 

After the movies, I went out in search of a rashguard to help with sun protection since chemo makes the skin ultra sensitive to the sun.  My only criteria for the rashguard were inexpensive and a dark color since they can become discolored by sunscreen.  I was finally successful in the boy's section of Walmart (don't judge, they were $8).  I will not win any fashion awards, but I care not.  I also picked up a few very inexpensive pairs of cotton shorts for lounging/sleeping in my on-going effort to combat the VERY ANNOYING hot flashes. 

I managed to get the dog around the block before I crashed on the couch. I'm still pretty achy from chemo, but I think that the walking helps combat that a little bit.  My oncologist is also not going to be pleased by the fact that I am definitely experiencing some neuropathy.  My fingers are moderately numb, and numbness in my feet comes and goes.  It is not terrible, but it is certainly noticeable.  Right before I started chemo, Dr. K said that he wanted me to get through treatment with no side-effects.  That ship has obviously sailed, but I think he is going to be particularly upset by the neuropathy since nerve damage from chemo can be permanent.  I may be facing a chemo dose reduction in the future, but we'll see how it resolves itself over the next two weeks until I see my doctor again. 

I'm also going to have to talk to my surgeon about a cyst that I have on my right side.  I know that it is a cyst - a mammogram, 2 ultrasounds, and an MRI have all told me that.  I know that it is a cyst, but it is sometimes painful which is not good for me mentally so I am going to ask him to either aspirate it or remove it entirely when I have my lumpectomy. I've read that aspiration of cysts can make them less painful so that might be the best bet.  I've had this cyst for at least 4 years (found it when I was pregnant with Henry), and it has been noticeable/painful before (many, many times), but I just can't deal anymore.  Aches and pains in the post-cancer world are just different than they were before my diagnosis.

Early to bed tonight in an attempt to recoup some of the sleep that I missed last night.

Day 101 - Puddle

I had a 90-min massage today and was a total puddle after!  I could hardly move for a few minutes in a great way.  The massage therapist spent a lot of time on my legs which have been really achy,  and I think that it really helped.  I have a few more massage gift certificates waiting in the wings and am going to use them after each of my last two chemo treatments.

I ran a few errands after my massage and came home to relax for a little while before going out for a friend's birthday.  One of my very best friends, who is like a sister to me, turned 40 yesterday so a bunch of us went out to celebrate tonight.  The plan was to go to dinner, a comedy show and then out to bars, but I was only able to join for the dinner part of that plan.  I just don't have the energy to do much more and am not much for drinking right now.  I know that she understood my bowing out early, but it still crushed me to not be able to participate in all of the festivities.

Hopefully she'll give me a rain check, and we can have another birthday celebration when I am feeling better.  This chemo is much nicer to my stomach, but makes me a lot more fatigued than the first batch. I came home from dinner and crashed on the couch, and I am sure that the bed is not far behind.

Today was a very relaxing day, and I am grateful for the time to rest and heal.

Day 100 - 100 Days of Cancer

I've been composing this particular blog post in my head for a while now.  Day 100 seems like a big milestone, and one that has come up rather quickly.  Part of me feels like time has stood still over these past 100 days, but another (and larger) part of me reflects on all that I have accomplished in recent time.

I've managed to add "cancer fighter" to my relatively long list of roles and responsibilities, and I feel like I have done it with grace and dignity. Yes, I have absolutely had horrible days out of the past 100, but I have also had some really great days.  I have found support from loved ones that has absolutely blown me away, I've found strength that I never knew that I had, and I've garnered a whole new appreciation for what it means to be healthy.  I truly took my health for granted, which is something that I will never do again. 

Over the past 100 days, I have become more open and honest with my feelings and needs, and I have had to take some time to put myself first, which tends to not be my first instinct.  Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be taking time for myself at the spa just for fun, but I'll take an early bedtime or a nice long bath for healing and recovery as well.

Cancer takes pieces of a person. It has taken from me physically and emotionally, and I am working very hard to put those pieces back together.  Cancer has also taken from those who love me...it's such a cruel cruel interloper.  There will be a day when I have my health back, and there will be a day when I have my peace back.  I will recognize the person in the mirror again one day.  Until then, I will keep working through the plan and will keep doing everything that I can to get better. 

Yesterday, my therapist was talking about the camaraderie and warrior spirit that breast cancer survivors often have and how the "warrior" side can be both good and bad because it adds a lot of pressure.  There is a giant world of support for us out there, and some of it is better than others,  but it is comforting to know that I am most certainly not facing cancer alone.  Even on my darkest days, I do not feel alone, and that is a wonderful feeling. 

I am thankful for my beautiful son, my caring husband who has seen a whole new side of me and has not flinched (he and I have both been able to find humor in some not-so-funny situations and that helps so much), my wonderful family and extended family, and my incredible friends.  I would not be able to get through this without their support and deep love for me.  I am also thankful for new friendships that have formed and old ones that have rekindled.

Thank you to all who read what I write.  This blog has been extremely helpful to me, and I hope that it has helped others in some ways too. Maybe you can understand what others with cancer may have experienced, maybe you can relate to me a little bit better after reading my posts, and maybe this blog has helped someone approach a similar experience.  No matter what, I am glad to have this little space of my own to help me through my days of cancer.

I've scanned earlier post titles but have not actually gone back and read anything from the early days yet.  I think that I will, but I am just not ready.  Those days are too raw to re-visit at this point in my life, but I do know that I have a come a long way.  I am still afraid but not nearly as badly as I was during the first few weeks of my diagnosis.

Having cancer has changed my life, and I've got at least 100 more days of writing to do, but I had to mark this particular day.  100 days of cancer...not something I could have conjured up in my wildest dreams, but here I sit - fresh from chemo, a bit achy, with a calmer stomach, and full of emotion and gratitude for all who have lifted me up over these past 100 days and who will continue to do so for the next 100 (and 100 more if I need).

Day 99 - Tired

I woke up really tired this morning because I did not sleep well at all last night.  Pain from an injection that I had on Tuesday woke me up almost every time I rolled over last night.  Very unfortunate, but I managed to perk up mid-morning.  The nausea remains present but not debilitating, thankfully, and I have just a few aches and pains from the neulasta so far.  I stuck to a strict anti-nausea medicine schedule and envision an early bedtime tonight.

My thumbnails are also sensitive today, which is exactly what happened last time.  It went away quickly after the last round, and I hope that the same happens this time.  Chemo does the strangest things to the body.

I am drinking so much water that I am afraid that I will float away.  Dehydration is NOT welcome during this round, and I hope that my water-chugging and the fluids that I got yesterday will ward off any issues.  This particular chemo cocktail really does dehydrate though..my mouth and nose are especially parched, and can be uncomfortable at times.

I really enjoyed my therapist appointment this afternoon. She came highly recommended, and I think that she and I will work well together.  She has a lot of experience working with those who have a cancer diagnosis so I did not have to explain a lot of my treatment to her which was very nice.

She had many encouraging things to say that made me feel a bit more normal, and she and I are going to work together on healthy thoughts vs. positive thoughts.  In her mind, positive thoughts can be forced and fake, but healthy thoughts (including some darker ones) are normal and should be part of daily life.  She also cautioned me on getting ahead of myself in thinking too far ahead about life after cancer treatment and suggested that I spend more time focusing on the treatment itself.

I can handle that advice, but the whole reason that I am doing any of this, both the physical and mental treatment, is so that I can have a great life after cancer.   She acknowledged and understood that but also asked me to consider trying to be more present-minded.  I'll work on that.  I have another appointment with her in two weeks and have some homework to do in the meantime.  I think that I will enjoy working with her and rebuilding some of what cancer has taken from me. 

I forced myself to walk around the block after work today.  It was not terribly pleasant, but I am glad that I did it.  I think that it helped my energy level and helped moderate some of the aches and pains.

Big day tomorrow - Day 100.  That happened quickly.

Day 98 - Break

It was so nice to have a small break from work today.  I kept half of an eye on email because I have issues, but there was nothing that came in that can't be handled tomorrow.  I slept until 9a, let my mom spoil me some, and caught up on some TV.  I went to the doctor at 3p for some IV fluids and my neulasta shot.

I am glad that my doctor agreed to give me some additional fluids today which I hope will help prevent any dizziness/dehydration issues this time around.  I drank a TON of water and G2 Gatorade yesterday and plan to do the same today.  It's amazing how dehydration can affect the body.

I had a little bit of nausea today, but it is nothing like the nausea that I had with the AC chemo.  Nothing.  My current nausea is present but totally manageable with my anti-nausea meds.  The AC-induced nausea was present no matter how many anti-nausea meds I took.  It is funny how the paradigm shifts when going through cancer treatments - I never thought that I would say that I am happy have less nausea vs. none at all.

Another potential side-effect of my current regimen is peripheral neuropathy and nail issues. Thankfully, I have not experienced any neuropathy issues yet, but I did notice that some of my fingernails were a bit sore after the last treatment, especially when typing.  I cut my nails very short, and that seemed to do the trick.  My doctor grilled me about that though making sure that I was not actually having neuropathy, but I don't think that I am.  If that happens, there may be a reduction in my chemo dose, but no reason to be alarmed yet.  I am going to start taking some B12 today which can help prevent neuropathy..doing everything I can to ward off any major problems.

I am seeing my new therapist tomorrow, and I am really looking forward to it.  I told my oncologist about my upcoming appointment, and his eyes lit up.  He is thrilled that I am seeing someone already and spent a few minutes discussing the post-chemo/cancer treatment letdown that people often experience.  Others have talked to me about this too, which is why I decided to seek out some counseling to begin with.  When one is going through cancer treatments, she is actively fighting her disease, but after treatment is over (and my treatment does have an endpoint, thank God), there are often feelings of depression and fear.  You are turned out on your own into the great big post-cancer world, and that world can be really scary. I'll have regular follow up appointments with all of my medical team, but life will be very different.  I want to be able to enjoy the post-treatment life and not be fearful so that is why I am seeking some therapy/counseling NOW.

As I've said, I am working really hard to get my body right, and now it is time to put in some work to get my mind right.  I am hopeful that the therapist can help me with come coping mechanisms for when dark thoughts and fear creep into my mind now, and I know that she will be instrumental in my post-treatment life.  I hope that she and I gel. I enjoyed a brief phone conversation with her, and she had already called the nurse navigator at the hospital before even returning my phone call to get some background on me so those are both good signs.  I'll have more of an update on my first session tomorrow, but I am really excited to start this important phase of my treatment.  I dare say that this treatment will be just as important as the physical treatments I am doing.

Today was the perfect lazy day, and I am very glad that I took the time for myself.  Rest is important, and I find myself needing more and more of it as my chemo treatments progress which is to be expected due to the buildup of chemo in my body.  The chemo is working, and I remain eternally grateful for that.  

Day 97 - Inspiration

As I was waiting in line to check into the infusion room today, a woman sitting near the check in window reached over and grabbed my hand (in a very nice, sweet and gentle way) so I walked closer to her.  She looked me square in the eye and said "I just want to tell you that you are beautiful and are a true inspiration to me.  I am just starting to lose my hair, and I am so happy to see you walking around without hair.  I saw you when you walked in earlier and just had to say something to you."  I cried.  I can tell that she is a kind person..her eyes say a lot, and she must be fairly newly diagnosed since she is still losing her hair, and it was so nice of her to say something.  I am glad that I provided her with inspiration, and she certainly provided the same to me.  Inspiration comes in many forms, and I have found them in unexpected places during this time in my life.

I hope that the above does not come across as me being egotistical or self-promoting because an ego is the furthest thing from my mind.  I am just glad that I was able to inspire someone who may have really needed it just as others have inspired me so much recently.  

As strange as this may sound, I don't see a lot of bald heads in my doctor's office.  I figure that this is the place where you can really let the old noggin shine, but most are covered up. It's such a personal thing, and you never really know how you will feel without hair until you are faced with not having it.

Chemo #6 was uneventful.  It was another long day (5 hours for the infusion alone), but I continue to get good news from my oncologist.  The tumor has gone from 3.5cm to the size of a pea.  A pea.  Peas are tiny, and there is a very good chance that the pea will go away during these next three rounds of chemo.  The pea could also be dead tissue, DCIS (non-invasive cancer), or something else.  Hopefully it will totally go away, and we'll never know. 

Chemo #6

My mom was with me today, and we had a nice time rotating between chatting and both getting some work done.  All of the infusion room chairs that have the best wifi signal (I know that it is bad that I know that) were taken so we got a private room. It was great.  I was in a bed instead of a chair, and we could both make a few calls without disturbing others. I also enjoy cutting up with the nurses and chatting so we asked them to leave the door to the room open so that we had some interaction with the outside world.

I am taking the day off tomorrow, but am so glad that I have been able to work during this process.  Chemo can cause some cognitive issues such as forgetfulness, trouble completing sentences, and trouble with focus.  It's called "chemo brain," and is a very real side effect to chemo.  Experts recommend doing things such as word puzzles and memory games during chemo to try to ward off chemo brain, and that has been proven effective.  I've done some crossword puzzles and such, but I think that my continuing to work has been the biggest memory game of them all.  I hope that it will help to continue to keep my mind relatively sharp.  I have noticed some forgetfulness lately, but it is nothing drastic. If I think of something that I need to do, it is usually best to do it right away or write it down lest I forget.  Hopefully the mental exercise of planning very involved events will continue to help.

As far as the world of oncology goes, today was a good day.  I wish that I knew WAY less about cancer treatment than I do, but I am thankful to have such a great medical team and great support team all around.  I am the luckiest cancer patient out there.  

Day 96 - Pep Talk

I went for a bike ride during my lunch break today, and it felt great. It was hot outside, perfectly sunny, and I got in a good workout.  During my ride, I gave myself a big pep talk...out loud.  Like a true crazy person, I was talking to myself while I was out riding my bike.  I just needed to actually hear the words that I was saying vs. think them. Thankfully, there were no other riders out on the path today.

I have to get myself geared up for chemo, and I also have to make sure that my thoughts are in the right place, in general.  I always get a bit anxious right before chemo which can lead to some tough thoughts.  I am pretty sure that I worked most of them out during the conversation that I had with myself.

I also decided to "unfollow" some of the blogs that I have been reading.  Everyone's experience with cancer is so unique that it is not always helpful to get into the nitty gritty on someone else's diagnosis.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it hurts.  Right now, it is hurting. I can always go back to reading them when/if I want to.  I still plan to keep in touch with my Facebook group, but there may come a time when I need to step back from that too. That would be ok.

My mom arrived early evening and is going to be here all week.  I am so glad that she is here and that we'll have some quality time this week.  She is taking me to chemo tomorrow and will be stuck with me there for at least 5 hours.  Now THAT is superb QT time.  Bless her for signing up to come and sit with me for that long.  I'll be in a nice comfy recliner, and she will be in some barely padded armchair.  I encouraged her to bring a lot to do and hope that she heeded my advice. I'll probably also ask her to go out and get some lunch for us at some point since we'll be there until at least 3pm (that time assumes that the office will be running on time which is rarely the case).

Speaking of, I had to call my oncologist's office earlier today to confirm my appointment time tomorrow.  The reminder phone call that I got said that the appointment is at 10, and the email reminder said that the appointment is at 9:30.  When I called to find out the correct time, the person on the other line said "well we have you down for both 9:30 and 10:00 for some reason so why don't you just come at 9:30 to be on the safe side."  My response, "I spend a lot of time in that waiting room so would prefer to know the exact time of my appointment so that I don't have to wait longer than necessary."  She could not figure out what to do next so connected me to someone who could confirm that my appointment is, in fact, scheduled for 9:30.  The office staff is usually really good so I am not sure what happened with the person who originally took my call. I hate to be like that, but I really do spent a lot of time in that waiting room. 

On the eve of chemo #6, I am feeling pretty well both physically and mentally (especially after my pep talk).  I am about to round the corner to see the chemo finish line.  I can't see it quite yet, but it is getting nearer.

Day 95 - Mom

I'd like to take some time to honor the moms in my life staring with my own.  My mom is a true inspiration.  She is one of the most hard-working, driven, generous, kind, and loving people.  She has not been without hardship in her life, and she rose above it with such amazing strength, dignity and grace.  Her hard work and perseverance, despite some significant blows when my brothers and I were very young, are a true inspiration.  My mom is also one of the most generous people that I know...generous in so many ways.  She would drop everything in a second if we ever needed anything. In a second.  My mom is also a wonderful grandmother to Henry.  He loves his Nana so much, and the feeling is absolutely mutual.  She was one of the first people to see and hold him on the day he was born, and they remain so close.  I love watching them together.

I could write about my mom for pages and pages, but there is one very important thing that I want to mention before moving on. My mom is in the ring with me during my current fight.  A lot of people are in the ring with me, but she is right there.  Had I not been in DC on Day 1, I think that she would have driven directly to Charleston.  She was here for my first oncologist appointment, has done her own research on TNBC, and is at the ready for anything that we need.  No one wants to see her child go through something like this, and I know that it is very hard for her to witness.  She has been one of my main champions and supporters, and I am so very grateful.  I love her very much.

I am also very fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law.  I hesitate to even add the "in-law" to that because she really is like a mother to me.  She is also incredibly kind, loving and generous.  She has been a true confidant, supporter, and meaningful part of my life for nearly 10 years now.  She's one of the first to offer a listening ear, lend a hand, or just be there for a chat.  I couldn't talk to her for a few days after my diagnosis because I knew that I would melt into a puddle of tears hearing her voice.  She is also an incredible grandmother to Henry, and I have enjoyed seeing their relationship develop.  She is no stranger to raising boys as she has 3 of her own so I have often sought her advice over the past 4 years.  I love her very much.

Many of my happiest memories involved my grandmothers.  I grew up living near most of them so got to spend a lot of time with them growing up.  I have 3 grandmothers, one passed away a few years ago, and the other two are well into their 80s.  My Grandmother (dad's mother) was one of the most significant people in my life.  She passed away when she was 88, and I miss her every single day.  After my parents divorced when I was young, I spent almost every other weekend growing up at my Grandmother's house.  She and I were very very close, and she helped me through some difficult times in my life.  She was a wonderful listener, very loving, and one of my biggest fans.  She was also a Great Grandmother to 3, and one of her great granddaughters shares her birthday.  Very special.

My Nena (mom's mother) is also part of some of my happiest memories growing up.  She spent so much time with me when I was little, and I loved every minute of it. She taught me how to sew and cook/bake, and taught me all about nature.  She and I would go for nature walks through the woods behind her house, and she would point out every little leaf and flower that we saw. We would also do the same on the beach. I can still name most of the little things that we see washed up on the beach because of her.  We visit Nena every time we are in town, and Henry loves going to see her. It is very sweet to see the two of them together.  Though Nena has had many struggles in recent years, I am flooded with happy memories of my childhood each time I see her.

Not many people can say that they have 3 grandmothers, but I am lucky to say that I do. My Grandma (Glen's mother) has been part of my life for over 25 years now. She is a very sweet and kind woman who spent a lot of time with my brothers and me as we were growing up.  We spent weekends at their house, went on a few road trips, and they visited us often.  In recent months, Grandma has called me regularly to check in to see how I am doing, and she's got the Southern Baptists of Aiken, SC praying hard for me.  It is a great feeling.

And finally, me. I received the title of "mom" almost 4 years ago when my sweet little Henry came roaring into the world.  He was almost 2 weeks overdue, and I am convinced that he would have stayed put for much longer had the doctors allowed.  I will never forget holding his tiny body in my arms for the first time just before 10:30pm that night...it was well worth the wait.  I slept with him snuggled up on my chest for most of that night because I just did not want to let go of him.  I think that I would still sleep like that if he allowed it.  I have so many treasured moments spent with that little boy, and they appear sometimes when I least expect them. He'll lean over to give me a kiss, will randomly tell me that he loves me, and is drawn to me like a magnet whenever I sit down on the couch.  He's instantly by my side.  I've said it before and will say it again, being Henry's mom is the greatest thing that I have ever done and will ever do.  I treasure the bond that we have, and I have never known the love that I do now as a mother.

I had a wonderful day celebrating the moms in my life and being a mom.  I slept in late, had a lazy morning, took Henry out to play for a little while, and we all went out for an early dinner.  We decided to forego brunch and decided to go out to dinner instead.  We went out for mediterranean food which is among my favorite.  When we lived in the DC area, we often ate at a place called Lebanese Taverna (which has more Middle Eastern than mediterranean food).  We've tried to find something comparable in SC and have been very unsuccessful, but we'll take "comparable but not quite as good" as long as it includes really good hummus and some kind of shawarma.

I posted this on Facebook so sorry for the overlap for anyone, but I was very excited to see a brief feature on TNBC during The Players Championship coverage that Mike was watching.  The tournament financially supports breast cancer research and briefly discussed the TNBC vaccine that the Mayo Clinic is developing.  They even interviewed Dr. Edith Perez, one of the leading TNBC doctors in the country.  I was so excited to see this for several reasons - 1. the vaccine trial is getting vital funding, 2. TNBC is not widely known so it is good to expose it to a larger audience, and 3. it is very nice to see a mainstream sporting event making a financial contribution to RESEARCH.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there.  I could go on and on about all of the amazing mothers that I have the privilege of knowing, but this post would take years to write.

Day 94 - A Mighty Wind

Tropical Storm Ana has brought us some wind and rain on and off during the day today. It was particularly windy when I was out for a bike ride this morning, and I had to work extra hard.  I was really huffing and puffing trying to keep moving through the wind.  I also ended up riding a bit longer than I intended because a group of turkey vultures was having its way with some carcass along the bike path (as a reminder, Deliverance).  The last time I ran across vultures, I kept riding toward them and they scattered, but some of them got so close to me that it freaked me out. Those birds are huge and creepy.  I was not risking going near them today so detoured and got in an extra mile or so on my bike.

I also walked the dog before any real weather came our way.  We spent a good part of the day taking care of errands and doing things that just needed to be done that we had been putting off.  Nothing terribly fun but all terribly necessary.  It ended up being a pretty busy day.

I thought of this blog title as I was riding my bike in the wind this morning, and I have had the them song from Christopher Guest's A Might Wind stuck in my head all day.  It is a funny movie, but my favorites of his are Best in Show and Waiting for Guffman.  I caught Best in Show on TV recently but have not seen Waiting for Guffman in ages.  I have got to find it now.  It is so funny, and Parker Posey is genius in that movie.  I could annoyingly quote lines from both of those movies for a long time.

I also found myself giggling over a David Sedaris short story today, but that deserves its own post if I decided to "go there."  It is a hilarious story but probably offensive to most people.

I am starting to work on some plans for Henry's 4th birthday!  It is right around the corner, and I can't believe it.  He's been talking about his birthday wish list since Christmas it seems so part of me will be glad for the day to finally be here.  I went to a store today called If It's Paper to find some red envelopes and was successful.  If It's Paper does not hold a candle to my beloved Papersource, but it does the job.  There is no Papersource here so I am forced to the internet or another local store.

My high school religion teacher used to joke that he was going to open a store called If It's Papal where he would sell paper replicas of Papal vestments.  I can't imagine that there would be much of  a demand for paper Papal vestments in Greenville, SC or anywhere really, but it is a funny idea.  Every time I drive by If It's Paper, I think about the mythical If It's Papal.  That teacher had (and I assume still has) a very quirky sense of humor, and I certainly appreciate quirky.

This may be my most random blog post yet, but I am feeling silly and kind of random. At least I am not mopey or angsty like earlier in the week.

Day 93 - Sunnier

My general disposition was much sunnier today than it was yesterday.  The weather today was also much sunnier, and I am sure there is a connection.  I think that the lift in my spirits is mainly attributable to a pretty good night's sleep for the first time in a while.  I know that I woke up a few times, but I barely remember doing so and was able to fall back asleep very quickly.  Sleep makes such a difference.

Don't get me wrong, I still hate cancer and always will, but my mood is a bit lighter.

I had lunch with a friend from high school today, and that was so much fun.  We had some laughs and talked about the good old days and did a recap of mutual friends - who is doing what and how is everyone doing?  It was very fun to see her, and it was nice to get out for a little while.

I also got a card from my dentist's office that had a personal note from each member of the staff there.  So nice.  Despite all of my dental anxiety, I do really like all of the people there.  I also had a good conversation with our dog groomer.  She is very sweet and expressed a lot of concern about me.  There are so many people out there who are rooting for me, and I find that to be so comforting.

I also find it comforting that our dog has a fresh trim and will not be shedding clumps of hair all over the house.  When her hair gets long, she sheds so badly. I am sure that she also sheds when her hair is short, but it is harder to see.

It was a very very low-key evening in our house. Most are these days, and I am ok with less excitement vs. more at this point. We've had quite a bit of excitement lately.  I am looking forward to the weekend.

Day 92 - Scream

I just want to scream.  Today is one of those days when I hate cancer even more than usual (and that is a lot).  A friend of mine got some bad news as it relates to her particular cancer, and it just makes me want to scream.  I won't go into detail and risk violating her privacy, but I can sit here and scream on the inside.

There is not much that I can say that I haven't already said other than reiterating that I simply do not understand.  I do not understand cancer and why it is so horrible, and I doubt that I ever will understand.

The sky fell all day in Charleston.  It was a rainy and dreary day, and we've got more of that on tap for the rest of the week.  Time to start brainstorming indoor activities for the weekend. I actually don't mind a rainy day as long as I don't have to be out in it too much. I'll have to be strategic with my walks/bike rides over the next few days and try to get them in during windows of no rain.

In other strange news, I think that my hair is growing a little bit.  I never lost all of my hair (just most of it), and I think that the hair that I did lose is starting to fill in a tiny bit.  I've read that hair re-growth can start to happen on my new chemo regimen, and that seems to be the case.  My eyebrows and eyelashes are still hanging on, but this type of chemo is likely to knock them out.  I do think that my eyebrows have thinned a little bit, but I could just be over-analyzing them.  More tales from the weird...

I would also give pretty much anything for a solid night of sleep.  I've tried melatonin and xanex, and both seem powerless to the hot flashes/night sweats.  I have been sleeping with the ceiling fan on and a table fan blowing directly on me, and I am still waking up.  I think that the lack of solid sleep is contributing to my emotional fragility.  So fragile!

Henry helped turn some sad/negative emotions when he got home today.  He's been working on a Mother's Day project for me at school, and he took it home today.  It was beautifully wrapped, and he could not wait until Sunday to give it to me.  He brought it right up to my office when he got home and helped me open it.  The gift is a very cute paper pot of flowers, and we hung it right up on my wall. He was very pleased with himself, and I love it.  So sweet.

Day 91 - Babysitter

When I was in middle school and high school, I spent a lot of time babysitting.  A lot.  I mostly babysat within our neighborhood but ventured out some once I got a little bit older and was able to drive myself to gigs.  The kids that I watched the most lived right across the street from us.  When they moved in, their oldest was 4-years old, and their youngest was 3-weeks old (!).  On the day that they moved in, I walked over, introduced myself, and basically kidnapped their kids.  It was love at first sight.

I spent a lot of time with them, and some of my happiest memories include that family.  I joined them on vacations, picked their kids up from school/daycare, stayed weekends at their house while their parents went away, spent countless hours at the neighborhood pool, watched A LOT of Power Rangers and Barney, made "the best" boxed macaroni and cheese, read a lot of bedtime stories, and had lots of snuggles with some of the best kids I have ever known.

Those kids are real grown ups now, but part of me will always see them as an imaginative and bright little boy and a sweet and very smart curly-haired little girl.  I have watched them both grow up and turn into incredible young adults.  Their entire family is an extension of my own, and they are still a big part of my life even though we don't get to see each other very often.  They were among some of the first that I told about  my diagnosis, and I know that they are keeping very close tabs on me as I navigate my way through these scary waters.

I got to see 3/4 of the family today!  Their son is off doing great things in another state, but the others were in Charleston today, and we got together for lunch. It was so fun to sit and catch up for a little while.  Although we all still live fairly close to each other, everyday life keep us from seeing each other too much.

I may or may not have cried writing some of the post above (please see yesterday's post about being extra emotional right now).  It's nice to sit down and think about sweet memories, and doing that sometimes brings out a tear or two. Happens to the best of us.

Speaking of sweet, Henry and I had some serious cuddles on the couch after dinner tonight.  He's a professional smuggler, and I will take every one that I can get.  He will also walk up to me and randomly give me kisses.  It is very sweet and makes me smile every time. He's such a great kid.  I am lucky to be his mom.

Day 90 - Uneventful

Today was delightfully uneventful.  I spent some time recapping last week's event with members of our staff today and have more on tap for tomorrow.  I got some good feedback from the group and will utilize it for future events.  No matter how well an event goes, there are always a few things that go wrong.  It was good for me to hear about those things and the good parts of the show.

One complaint is that there was not enough coffee available for attendees at any given time during the show.  That is easy enough to fix but also cracks me up a little bit.  Coffee at hotels ranges in price from $85-$120 per gallon.  This particular hotel charged $92 (plus 24% service charge plus tax) for one gallon of coffee. One gallon of coffee!  Coffee is the biggest racket going for conferences...think about how many gallons we'd have to order to give each of our 2000 attendees one cup of coffee.  It's kind of crazy.  Rant over, but coffee is expensive.

I've found myself to be a bit emotional over the past week or so, and I can't really figure out why. I think that it just part of the process and part of what I will have to deal with on occasion.  I've tried to keep it in check, but I do get a little weepy sometimes.  Oh well.  I am allowed.

A friend of ours from NJ is in town for work today and is staying with us.  I saw him very briefly this evening when I dropped Mike off downtown to meet him, and I will see him more in the morning (I am sure that I will be asleep when they get home tonight).  It is always fun when business brings people here so we can see them.

Henry wanted me to "read" him his kids' atlas at bedtime tonight.  We flipped through it and noted the places that we want to visit.  We've got a big travel agenda so I better keep working hard and accruing vacation time.  He still really wants to go to Asia, including Russia.  When I told him how cold it is in Russia, he said "Mom, we'll just bring our coats."  Fair point.

Again, uneventful day today, and that is just fine with me.

Day 89 - Busy

I had another day off today, which was really nice, but it turned out to be a really busy day.  Mike took Henry duty this morning so I was able to sleep in a little bit if you consider 8:30 to be late (I do).  I moved from the bed to the couch until about 10, and then the day just took off.

Mike and I went for a 5 mile bike ride which was nice.  I was huffing and puffing by the end though, and I think it is because I was trying to keep up with Mike.  He is naturally more athletic than me so I always have to work a little bit harder to keep up with him even when we are just walking.  I walked the dog after that, got cleaned up, and ran to the grocery store for a few quick items.

I had to do a quick work call at 1pm (so I guess I had all but 30 minutes of today off) then headed to the dentist.  My dentist's office knew about my diagnosis in advance because I warned them that I may have to cancel my appointment after my blood work on Friday.  I walked in, and my hygienist whisked me away immediately, and we spent a little while talking.  I adore my dental hygienist. She and I are the same age, have a lot in common, and spend as much time as we can chatting at each appointment.  She is also exceedingly gentle and patient as it relates to my dental fears.  I've been seeing her for a while and won't see anyone else in the office.  She asked me to tell her about my diagnosis, and she had tears in her eyes while I did (and I teared up a few times too).  She said that she was tempted to call me the other day when she found out, but was afraid that I would find that weird.  I would not have...it was a very nice thought.  She has a strong family history of breast cancer and has heard stories like mine from her loved ones so I think that my diagnosis hit her extra hard.  Both her mother and aunt are breast cancer survivors and she is very vigilant because of that.

One of my dental crowns is loose so I have to go back in a few weeks to have it re-cemented, and I have to do a few more procedures post-chemo.  Otherwise, I got a clean bill of dental health.  The dentist gave me some extra-flordiated toothpaste to use during chemo to help protect my teeth and also gave me a few tips to try to keep my teeth as healthy as possible.  Chemo really drys out the mouth which leads to tooth issues...the gift that keeps on giving.

After the dentist, I ran in one store to kill a few min, and picked up Henry to take him to a doctor appointment.  He's fine but has a little rash on the back of his neck that we wanted them to check out. The doctor was convinced that he has strep throat because of the rash, but the strep test came back negative.  We were sent home with an antibiotic to be safe, but the mystery rash seems harmless.  Henry has only had antibiotics a few times in his life so I am ok giving him one now even though there is no clear reason to do so.  If he was always being pumped with antibiotics for one reason or another, I would be more resistant to adding one without compelling evidence of need.  Since my immune system is compromised, I want to keep Henry as healthy as possible.

I was exhausted by the time we finally got home this evening.  Today was not the most relaxing day off, but it was nice to have the time to do random things without worrying about taking vacation or sick time from work.

Back to the grind tomorrow.  I've got lots of people to talk to about the show. Recaps galore.

Day 88 - Firetrucks

There is a small museum in town called the North Charleston Fire Museum.  It is clean, rarely crowded, educational, fun, and affordable. The museum has antique fire trucks, a fire truck simulator, a fire pole and slide for kids, and several educational movies and programs. I like taking Henry there, and he likes going.  We went for a little while this afternoon, and I noticed that he is paying more attention to the fire safety message that the museum conveys.  It's interesting to see how his awareness develops.

We also ran a few errands while we were near the museum.  I had to return a dress and took a look for a few more things.  Let me tell you, there is nothing more relaxing that clothes shopping with an almost 4-year old.  He was pretty well-behaved, all things considered, but I found myself moving fast and hoping for the best.

I have not been sleeping all that well. I go to bed either chilly or comfortable but wake up sweating several times during the night.  I wish that I could control it, but I can't.  The night sweats are, no doubt, a result of my medically-induced menopause, and they are so uncomfortable. Part of my shopping trip today was for some very light-weight pajamas...maybe that will help.

Henry and I took Ben to the airport this morning, and it was hard for me to say goodbye to him. We had a great visit, and I hope that he will come back sometime over the summer.

I also went for a 5-mile bike ride today.  I know that 5 miles on a bike is not all that impressive, but it was challenging for me.  My stamina is just not what it one was, and I will have to work on building it back up.  It was nice to get out for a little while.

Despite being somewhat tired, I had a good day today. It was a nice long weekend, and I am glad that I got to spend it with those who are very special to me.

Day 87 - Eagle

I went for a walk through our neighborhood this morning and just happened to see a bald eagle flying above me.  I stopped to watch it soar through the air for a few minutes and was amazed by the grace with which such a large bird can fly.  It looked so effortless.  I've only seen a bald eagle in nature one other time when we spotted one in a tree behind our house right after we moved here.  They truly are majestic creatures and worth stopping to watch if you ever see one.

After some exercise and breakfast, we went downtown to the farmer's market.  Charleston has a wonderful market every Saturday from April-December, and it is full of wonderful prepared foods, local fruits and vegetables, craft vendors, and a lot of activities for kids.  Henry jumped to his heart's content in several jump castles and recovered with a soft pretzel.  It was a good morning for him.  I bought some beets (may have a slight problem here) and a baby gift.  Where else can you buy root vegetables and a hand-made baby dress?

We made a few stops on our way home, and I bought a bike!  Dick's Sporting Goods was having a bike sale, and I found one that met my criteria - inexpensive.  It is a nice enough bike, and it was put to use almost immediately when Henry, Ben and I went for a ride in the neighborhood.  I'll put it to the test more tomorrow when I take it out on the bike path.  I am excited to have it and think that I will use it often.

The weather here is picture perfect - 80 degrees, sunny, and no humidity.  It was very nice to spend some time outside enjoying the nice weather before the blanket of steam envelops Charleston for the summer.  I guess I won't have to worry about bad hair days this summer (a bright side). My hair is usually a disaster in the summer.

Henry and Ben wore each other out playing with every toy that we own.  I am not sure who was more tired after, but I imagine that it was Ben.

Some delivery Chinese food (even for Mike) topped of a great day.  We were going to go out to dinner, but none of us could get motivated to actually get ready and leave the house so delivery it was.

Day 86 - Beach

The beach has always been one of my favorite places.  There is something so peaceful about the sounds and sights of the beach - the waves crashing, the wind blowing, and looking out into infinity (or so it seems).  In recent years, the sounds of delight as a little boy plays on the beach have made me love the beach even more.  Henry loves to run on the beach, play in the water, dig holes, look at any creatures that have washed up on the sand, and jump in the waves.  I love doing all of that with him.

I took the day off today, and we spent a few hours on the beach.  It was too cold today to be in bathing suits and go in the water, but Henry, Ben and I walked on the beach and played.  I also enjoyed a few quite moments looking out into the ocean and letting the cool(ish) breeze blow all around me.  It was very peaceful and soothing.  We also found a lot of creatures to investigate.  There was a horseshoe crab shell on the beach that was about 2 feet long..biggest one that I have ever seen, and there were a lot of jellyfish and shells to see.

We also went for a brief bike ride while we were out at the beach.  Henry is getting very good on his bike, but his goose was cooked at the end of the ride. He needed a lot of coaxing to finish the last block of our journey.  It makes sense, though. For every one of my pedal strokes, he makes 3 or 4 so he is working hard.

I had to get some blood work done this morning and see the nurse.  Thankfully everything looks normal, and I've been released from medical care for the next week.  My white blood cell count was very high which means that my body has bounced back well from the last round of chemo (and that the neulasta worked).  I've been cleared to go to the dentist on Monday.  As a friend pointed out, it is funny that I have worked so hard to try to go to the dentist.  I've not traditionally been fond of going to the dentist (and that is a huge understatement).  I just do not feel like sharp metal instruments should ever be near one's teeth. I shudder just thinking about it.  Chemo is really hard on teeth, though, and mine are not so great to begin with so I am trying to stay on top of things.  Plus, I really like my dentist and hygienist, and they put up with my crazy and humor me by being extra careful during cleanings.

When I was talking to the nurse today, I asked her if I could have some preemptive fluids the day after my next chemo when I come in for my neulasta injection.  If dehydration was an issue during the last round, I'd like to try to ward off any issues.  She said that I could so I will plan to get an IV of fluids and my neulasta on May 13.

Today was a wonderful day, and I am so happy that I got to spend it with Henry, Mike and Ben.