Day 100 - 100 Days of Cancer

I've been composing this particular blog post in my head for a while now.  Day 100 seems like a big milestone, and one that has come up rather quickly.  Part of me feels like time has stood still over these past 100 days, but another (and larger) part of me reflects on all that I have accomplished in recent time.

I've managed to add "cancer fighter" to my relatively long list of roles and responsibilities, and I feel like I have done it with grace and dignity. Yes, I have absolutely had horrible days out of the past 100, but I have also had some really great days.  I have found support from loved ones that has absolutely blown me away, I've found strength that I never knew that I had, and I've garnered a whole new appreciation for what it means to be healthy.  I truly took my health for granted, which is something that I will never do again. 

Over the past 100 days, I have become more open and honest with my feelings and needs, and I have had to take some time to put myself first, which tends to not be my first instinct.  Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be taking time for myself at the spa just for fun, but I'll take an early bedtime or a nice long bath for healing and recovery as well.

Cancer takes pieces of a person. It has taken from me physically and emotionally, and I am working very hard to put those pieces back together.  Cancer has also taken from those who love me...it's such a cruel cruel interloper.  There will be a day when I have my health back, and there will be a day when I have my peace back.  I will recognize the person in the mirror again one day.  Until then, I will keep working through the plan and will keep doing everything that I can to get better. 

Yesterday, my therapist was talking about the camaraderie and warrior spirit that breast cancer survivors often have and how the "warrior" side can be both good and bad because it adds a lot of pressure.  There is a giant world of support for us out there, and some of it is better than others,  but it is comforting to know that I am most certainly not facing cancer alone.  Even on my darkest days, I do not feel alone, and that is a wonderful feeling. 

I am thankful for my beautiful son, my caring husband who has seen a whole new side of me and has not flinched (he and I have both been able to find humor in some not-so-funny situations and that helps so much), my wonderful family and extended family, and my incredible friends.  I would not be able to get through this without their support and deep love for me.  I am also thankful for new friendships that have formed and old ones that have rekindled.

Thank you to all who read what I write.  This blog has been extremely helpful to me, and I hope that it has helped others in some ways too. Maybe you can understand what others with cancer may have experienced, maybe you can relate to me a little bit better after reading my posts, and maybe this blog has helped someone approach a similar experience.  No matter what, I am glad to have this little space of my own to help me through my days of cancer.

I've scanned earlier post titles but have not actually gone back and read anything from the early days yet.  I think that I will, but I am just not ready.  Those days are too raw to re-visit at this point in my life, but I do know that I have a come a long way.  I am still afraid but not nearly as badly as I was during the first few weeks of my diagnosis.

Having cancer has changed my life, and I've got at least 100 more days of writing to do, but I had to mark this particular day.  100 days of cancer...not something I could have conjured up in my wildest dreams, but here I sit - fresh from chemo, a bit achy, with a calmer stomach, and full of emotion and gratitude for all who have lifted me up over these past 100 days and who will continue to do so for the next 100 (and 100 more if I need).