Day 269 - Captain America

I am still not entirely sure how I got convinced to drive down to the beach when I got home last night, but I am glad that I did.  We had a nice evening last night, and I slept until 10:30 (!!!) this morning.  My body thought that it was 7:30, but wow!  It was so nice to get so much sleep. I think that I got almost 12 hours.  I needed that.

The moment that I woke up this morning, Henry wanted to carve pumpkins.  I tossed the pumpkins in the car yesterday when I was packing up overnight bags so they were ready to go.  He wanted to do 2 faces this year instead of getting more creative, and I was ok with that.  Faces are easy enough to do.  His pumpkin had a scary face, and he wanted mine to have a nice face.  Pumpkins got carved, and we met the rest of the crew while they were out crabbing.  Crabbing was slow, but it was a gorgeous day so we enjoyed being out.

I peeled away from crabbing and went for a 30-min walk/run.  There is a Thanksgiving Day 5K here that I did last year, and I want to be able to run the whole thing this year.  I should have enough time to get there, and if I'm not, that is ok too.

Henry was Captain American for Halloween this year. He was under the impression that he had to use a costume that he already had for Halloween so we just went with it.  He has some fun dress-up clothes and wanted to wear his construction costume until yesterday when he decided that Captain America was better.  The last-minute change was easy though to manage.

I love Halloween.  I don't dress up but did snag a festive skeleton t-shirt to wear this year which is more than I usually do.

Day 268 - Landed

I'm home safe and sound after a long but uneventful day of travel. I landed in Charleston at around 6pm, went home, packed a quick bag and drove out to the beach to catch up with Mike, Henry, my mom, Glen and some of our family friends.  I was not planning on heading right out to the beach the moment that I got home, but I am so glad that I did.  I got to squeeze my sweet Henry and catch up with a lot of people tonight.

I am going to call it an early night, though. 3:30am was a tough wakeup call this morning!

Day 267 - Over

The event is over, and it was successful by almost all standards!  There are times when things get panicky and stressful behind the scenes, but as long as that tension is not passed along to our attendees (and it's not), then I am fine.  The hotel where we had the event probably (definitely) had the worst convention services team that I have ever encountered, but the staff that we dealt with the most during the event were really great.

There was one point where our convention services representative walked past us without even stopping to check in and see how were were doing.  He just flicked a brief wave and kept talking to his colleague.  We rarely saw him, and when we did, it was because I texted him with a "I need to talk to you. Please meet me at registration."  Goodness.

Bad service aside, I am glad that I was here for the event.  I'm so glad that I was here for the event.  We're going to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate a successful conference, and I get on a plane bright and early in the morning. 

Day 266 - Balloons

We had a big setup day on Monday and a few small meetings.  I also had the opportunity to sit down with my boss to have some lunch. During lunch, he said "let's grab a drink later."  I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking/hoping that he would cancel drinks so that I could go to bed early.  It turns out that he and I weren't just having drinks.  My colleagues had planned a surprise welcome back party for me, and having a drink with my boss was a guise to get me to the party.

They reserved a section of the hotel's bar and ordered some food and drinks. They also got me a huge bundle of balloons and a very sweet card.  It was so touching. I broke my "no crying at work rule" because I was so blown away by the kind gesture.  I am very fortunate to be surrounded by so many caring and thoughtful people.  What a fun way to kick off the event.

The bulk of the event is over as of today. We've got a small meeting tomorrow and some final wrap up then will go out to dinner tomorrow night before heading back to our various homes.  I've been really glad to be at the event.  Being here has been my work-related goal since treatment started, and I am proud to say that my goal has been accomplished.

I've forgotten how sore my feet get at events though.  OUCH!

Day 265 - Long

I am falling into a moderately uncomfortable hotel bed after a very long day.  It was a great day but a long one. I have much to say but must sleep first!

Day 264 - Ghosts

The hotel where we are having our event is a very historic (old) hotel, and I have no doubt that it is haunted.  I didn't sleep all that great last night at all, but I was afraid to open my eyes every time I woke up. If there were ghosts in my room, I didn't want to see them.  I'm kind of kidding..kind of.

Event set up went well today, but it was a long day. Day 1 kicks off at 8:00 tomorrow morning so we'll be up before the sun to make sure that everything is in place.  We're off to the races. 

Day 263 - Market

We went to an area called the Malibu Country Market today.  It's a shopping center with a playground and restaurants, but calling the area a "shopping center" would be so not Malibu.  The country market is really nice and has very high end shops.  I could have spent a lot of time wandering through the shops,  but we spent most of our time there watching Henry play on the playground.  He's a fool for playgrounds, and I love to watch him play and share his enthusiasm for the simple act of playing.

After we went to the market, we drove to a pumpkin patch in the valley.  It was a nice little pumpkin patch that had two bounce castles with slides so Henry was hooked. He played on the slides, and we pulled him away for a bite of lunch.

I needed to be at my hotel downtown late afternoon, and everyone was up for a ride downtown so they all dropped me off.  It was tough to say goodbye to Mike and Henry.  It's been a while since I have been away from them.  Henry was particularly clingy which was hard, but I have a feeling that he moved on the moment that he got back into the car.

I had dinner with some colleagues tonight (!!) and have some work to finish up tonight before our big setup day tomorrow.  It's really happening.  I am at an event for work.  I wanted to finish treatment in time to be at this event, and it has happened.  I am so grateful. 

Day 262 - Airplane

I got on an airplane today and was surprised by the feelings that happened.  Before today, the last time that I got on an airplane was the day after I was diagnosed.  I actually started this blog on a Jetblue flight late at night on February 6 as I flew home from DC (I wrote the day 1 and day 2 posts at the same time).  As nuts as this may sound, I was borderline nervous to go home that day. I knew that going home meant talking to Mike about my diagnosis in person, and I knew that going home meant that reality as I knew it would change.  Going home, meant that I had to face the music and face my fears. I thought that I was out of tears, but I was wrong because they flowed the moment that I saw Mike that night.  We talked for a long time that night, but I don't remember a word that either of us said. I also remember sitting on the floor of Henry's room for a long time that night.

It was clear that Mike had been waiting up for me, and it was clear that he was just as upset as me.  We hugged for a long time, I cried for a long time, and we both vowed that we'd do whatever it took for me to get better.  That was my stance on day 1, and it has not changed in the past 261 days.

As I move further from treatment, there are going to be experiences that trigger tough emotions related to my diagnosis.  I can generally anticipate when they will arrive, but sometimes they hit at strange times.  I was not expecting the simple act of getting onto an airplane to make me feel somewhat emotional, but it did.  I am grateful that I am well enough to travel.

Being on an airplane today was the start of getting back to a more normal work schedule and to getting back to living even more than we have been.  I hesitate to put this out on the internet (our house is being monitored multiple times per day though), but Mike and Henry were on the airplane with me today!  We are all going to spend the night with a family member in Malibu tonight then Mike and Henry are going to stay there for a few more days while I am downtown for work.  A change of pace and scenery will be really nice for us all, and I hope that we all return refreshed and ready to tackle even more living.

I am not ashamed to admit that I pulled the cancer card on the second leg of our flight today.  I rarely pull it but had really good reason to do so today.  As we were waiting in line to board or second flight, I saw a mother mopping up her 3(ish)-year old with baby wipes.  The child looked so pitiful, and I heard the mother say "please tell me if you need to throw up again."  I felt horrible for the mother, but I did not want to sit near the two of them.  We got on the plane before them, and you'll never guess who sat in the seats directly behind ours.

I snagged a flight attendant, told her that I recently finished cancer treatment and need to try to avoid germs as much as possible.  My immune system seems to be doing well as evidenced by not getting a full blown cold when Henry recently came home with a little cough, but I am not taking any chances.  The flight attendant held a row in the back for us while we scooped up our stuff and moved.  I am pretty physically sturdy despite all that my poor body has been through, but I am not taking any chances, especially with a stomach virus.

We had smooth travels and are safe and sound in Malibu.  We've already dipped our toes into the Pacific.  I'll post some pictures when I have a better cellular connection.

Day 261 - Turbulence

On February 2, Mike, Henry and I flew back from Florida.  I had to be in south Florida for work, and Mike and Henry tagged along so that we could stay for the weekend.  Our flight home took us through Baltimore (flying Southwest = obscure layovers).  As we were descending into BWI, the captain came on the loudspeaker and said something along the lines of "Please remain seated and make sure that your seat belts are very tightly secured.  We are going to experience some significant turbulence."

Let me tell you, when a pilot tells you that you are going to experience "significant turbulence," it is going to feel like the plane is going down.  That 757 felt like it was a paper airplane for about 2 minutes.  We were tossed all over the air.  While I was holding onto the arm rests for dear life and practicing my deep breathing, I could hear Henry next to me saying "weeeee weeee weeeeee" as though he were on a roller coaster.  Once we landed, the people in front of us said that Henry helped get them through those scary 2 minutes.  Henry really does come through in the most unexpected situations.  I was too scared to even cry, and he was delighted by the rocking and rolling of our airplane.

When I tell this story in front of Mike, he always says "Nancy, it was not that bad."  I disagree.  It was that bad. I've been on a lot of airplanes and have never experienced anything like that.  We landed safely at BWI, but I dreaded getting on another plane to come home.  Thankfully, the air was smoother during the second leg of the trip.

In hindsight, that rough air was just the beginning of "significant turbulence" for me (us) as the lump that I had been feeling in my left breast was deemed concerning the very next day.  The air is still a little bit rough around here, but I no longer feel like we are in paper airplane mode.  Our seat belts are still securely fastened, and we're waiting for the captain to turn off the seat belt sign so that we can freely move about the cabin.  It's going to happen soon as the air continues to become more smooth. 

Sorry for the giant metaphor, but I was walking the dog this morning and saw at least 10 contrails in the sky so was reminded of that flight.  The biggest lesson here should be - take the pilot seriously if he warns of "significant turbulence."

Day 260 - Ole

Sometimes therapy comes in the form of a large frozen margarita and Mexican food with a friend.  I think that I've made my love for Mexican food clear so when my friend who I have known since high school suggested that we meet at Senor Tequila for dinner, I immediately accepted. I had 2/3 of the margarita, great food, and even better company.

My friend has the best memory of anyone I've ever met so it is always great to reminisce with her. She remembers everything, and I love it.  We told a lot of stories, shared a lot of laughs, and I am so glad that we got together. 

Day 259 - Notebook

I have started putting together my notebook for next week's event.  I suppose that it really is a binder, but I've already used "binder" in a post title so that was clearly out. I've got very specific requirements for event notebooks - it must be a 3 ring binder with a clear plastic pocket on the front.  I print a copy of the event schedule and put it in the clear folder to reference often during the event.  The folder also houses chap stick, mints, my cell phone, my jump drive, and other event necessities that I carry with me from place to place.  The plastic pocket is usually pretty banged up by the time the event is over, but it does the trick.

I've also been known to use my event notebook to cover up my name badge.  I distinctly remember a salesperson roaming the hallways of an event looking for me a very long time ago, and I was conveniently incognito since my badge was covered by my notebook.  I am sure that this salesperson was perfectly nice, but I was not up for a pitch on why we should use his company for particular services.

My binder also contains menus, floor plans, contracts, hotel guest room information, important phone numbers, etc., but I don't find myself referencing those documents terribly often. I just like knowing that I have them in my possession should I need them.  The binder is a security blanket for me during events, and it has even  been the subject of some good-natured teasing, "Nancy, we never see you without a binder in your hand."  Obviously.  Where else would I store my mints?!

Day 258 - 2015

I look forward to the day when we look back and say "wow, 2015 really sucked."  Until then, we continue to celebrate daily life and continue to wait for some of 2015 to resolve itself!  All is fine, but man, I think about the hand that we've been dealt this year and cringe.

Day 257 - Ritual

On Day 78, I talked about my work travel packing ritual and lamented the fact that I was not packing to travel to an event.  I am happy report that I began my packing ritual for my fall event this morning!  Our guest bed has folded outfits on it, and the floor next to the bed is starting to fill up with shoes.  As I said on Day 78, shoes really are of the utmost importance, and I bring several pairs to rotate with each outfit. Sometimes, I can get away with wearing the same pair at times over the course of several days, but I can't bank on that.

As someone who works from home full time, I spend a lot of time in comfortable shoes - sneakers, flip flops, boots, etc. so squeezing into heels or even some dress flats really makes my feet angry.  I should wear heels/dress shoes more often to keep my feet conditioned, but I don't so I travel with options and band aids.

Work was busy today with preparations for next week's event, but that is entirely expected during the time before a big event.

After work tonight, I GOT MY HAIR CUT! Not many people can say that they've had a second first haircut, but I had the second first haircut of my life. Mike came with me, and we went out to dinner with our friends after to celebrate and catch up. It was a really great night.

Action shot! 

Day 256 - Photos

As we were leaving the house to go have some family photos made this afternoon, Mike looks at me and said something along the lines of "I'm not really sure why we're commemorating this year with all of the bad things that have happened."  I tried (unsuccessfully, in his mind) to refute that comment with examples of good things that have happened or we have done, and he landed on "you being better has been the only good thing so far."

I can see where he is coming from.  This year has had enough challenges for a lifetime.  We've had one income, a cancer diagnosis, a broken arm, and struggles associated with all of the above (to name the biggest things).  2015 has not been my favorite year by a very long shot.  That said, I don't think that my good health news is the only good thing that has happened this year.

Trust me when I say that I've been affected more than anyone by the events of this year (please see half of my blog posts).  When I tried to challenge Mike's statement about the "only good thing" about this year, I really couldn't come up with concrete examples of other good things, but I thought about it for the remainder of the afternoon.

Other good things did happen this year because we kept on living despite the curve balls that were thrown our way.  Birthdays were celebrated, weekends were full of activities or small get aways, friends had babies, we spent time with family and friends, played on the beach, went on boat rides, we laughed a lot, I cried a lot, I snuggled my baby as often as I possibly could, and we kept moving forward with daily life.  I'm pretty damn proud of us for making the very best that we could out of some circumstances that were entirely out of our control.  We kept on living because there was no question that we would do anything differently.

Yeah, a lot of "bad" things have happened this year, but we have made the most of the hand that we were dealt and are looking forward to things continuing to look up. And I cannot WAIT to see the pictures from today!  The photographer that we use is so talented and took a ton of pictures.

Day 255 - Stickers

My grandfather passed away on Wednesday of this week.  He was 91-years old.  When my other grandfather passed away over 7-years ago, I distinctly remember the minister at his funeral saying that death can be a tragedy or death can be a blessing.  Passing on was a blessing for both of my grandfathers though it does not make the loss any less sad.  We celebrated Grandpa's life today, and it was nice to have family together to memorialize him.  His burial was accompanied by military honors which I always find particularly moving, and I could see my grandma tear up when the soldiers handed her the folded flag that had been placed over the casket.  They were married for almost 70 years.  70 years!

In preparation for taking a 4-year old to a funeral, I picked up a few new quite things to keep Henry occupied during the church service.  Walmart sells little packages that contain stickers, a small coloring book and crayons so I snagged two of those, and we brought some of his other toys with us as well.  After the service, the family met visitors in the church parlor.  Henry loves stickers so took the stickers out of both packets and started to hand them out to aunts, uncles and cousins.  Then he took the sheets of stickers and proceeded to walk around the room and give stickers to everyone in the room.  He even made his way over to those waiting to see my grandma to ask each person what sticker he/she would like to have.  Henry totally worked the room as a politician might - talking to everyone, offering stickers, making new friends.  It was thoroughly entertaining.

Children can bring much-needed levity to more somber situations, and I am grateful for that.  I think that he delivered sunshine to almost everyone in the room, and was really worried about those who may not have gotten a sticker once the supply ran out.  Henry hasn't met a stranger, and I am delighted by his social nature.

It is always sad to say goodbye to a family member, but today really was a celebration of my grandfather's 91 years. May we all lead a life as great as his.

Day 254 - Mode

I've been in event mode at work for several weeks now, but today seemed especially busy.  There were a lot of deadlines that had to be met today so that things could get printed, and it seems like they all blew up a little bit right around 4pm today.  I like the pace of event mode though it not sustainable over a long period of time.  There is something exciting about the fast pace.

Today was bananas, and I have a feeling that work will carry over into the weekend. Happens sometimes, and I am ok with it.

Day 253 - Ten

You can probably tell that I am still running at a strong 10.  Anxiety hits me in either short bursts or big waves at random times during the day, and I am working on ways to deal with it as it comes.  Despite that, I am doing pretty well.  I feel well and am happy for the majority of each day.  The rational side of me knows that things are fine, but the emotional side is at odds with the rational side more than I'd like.

That is ok though.  Healing will take a lot of time, and I will continue to try to be kind to myself.  I'd like to take that ten down to a nice solid 5, and I hope that I can do that in time.

Day 252 - Meditate

I saw my therapist today, and we talked about meditation as a way to help me learn to be present and to also help me to relax my mind and body.  I have a big problem keeping my mind present, and the present is all that we really have.  When I think about something that happened in the past, I am using my present to think about the past.  When I think about something that could or could not happen in the future, I am using my present to think about the future.  I feel like I do a good job of being present when I am with Henry, but I have a hard time being present when I am alone with my thoughts.

I've always been a bit of a day dreamer and a what if(er) (in good ways and bad), and that is ok, but being more of a right now(er) will help me a lot right now (see what I did there).  My therapist chuckled at me when I said "I need something that I can schedule to help me get through this transition time and to use as a tool for the future."  So I am going to schedule time to be present to help me with the future through some basic meditation.  I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of conflicting things going on right there, but I am going with it.

I've got some short guided meditation YouTube videos that I am going to try starting tonight.  I feel like my time doing that will serve me better than watching mindless TV or surfing the internet. Bring on the present.

(And kudos to anyone who understood any part of this post)

Day 251 - Mets

Today is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day, and social media has been blowing up about it all day.  Some people refer to metastases as "mets," hence today's post title.  As I have said before, metastatic breast cancer occurs when breast cancer spreads to vital organs (brain, lungs, liver, bones, skin), and is the only type of breast cancer that is deadly. No one knows why breast cancer metastasizes so no one knows how to prevent it from happening or really to treat it when it does.  Metastatic breast cancer patients receive chemo after chemo until each type stops working, and they run out of options.  Some live for years and years under these circumstances, but most die within 2-3 years.

This must change.  This MUST change.  Deaths from metastatic breast cancer should be considered a crisis by the medical community and by the government, and there are people working tirelessly to kick and scream so that metastatic breast cancer receives more attention and more funding.

Between 6-10% of breast cancer diagnoses are metastatic from the start, and approximately 30% of early stage breast cancer patients are later re-diagnosed as metastatic.  A metastatic re-diagnosis can happen quickly (within months) or can happen years (as many as 20) later.  Triple negative re-diagnoses generally happen sooner than hormone or Her2 positive breast cancer re-diagnoses, but someone with an initial triple negative diagnosis is unlikely to have a recurrence after the 5-year mark.

This is going to make me sound like a REAL downer (but cancer is a real downer), but early detection does not guarantee that one will not fall within the 30% who are re-diagnosed.  Someone who has an initial diagnosis of stage 0, 1, 2, or 3 (stage 3 is not usually considered to be early stage) can be part of the 30%. Kind of crazy, huh?

Many are likening the metastatic breast cancer crisis to the HIV crisis in the 1980s.  In the 1980s, a diagnosis of HIV was a death sentence.  No medications existed to effectively treat HIV.  Now, however, HIV can be treated as a chronic illness.  Yes, one must take medication for it, but it is no longer a guaranteed killer.

Can stage IV breast cancer be rendered into a chronic/manageable illness? Perhaps, but I think that it will be more difficult.  There are many types of breast cancer, and the medications that work on one type do not work on others, but there has got to be a way to make metastatic breast cancer survivable.  Ideally, it should be prevented entirely, but prevention does not help those who have already received a metastatic diagnosis.  They deserve more time with their loved ones.

I wrote this so that I can do my part to bring awareness to metastatic breast cancer because stage IV/metastatic/terminal breast cancer needs way more attention than it gets. Stave IV needs more!

Day 250 - Nope

The medication that my oncologist gave me to help with anxiety (as well as hot flashes) has made me feel horrible.  I've been pretty barfy for the past 3 days, which the internet tells me is normal when starting this medication, but I am beginning to think that it is not worth it.  I've only taken 3 pills and am not going to take it again. I called my doctor just to make sure that it is ok to stop taking it, and he gave me the green light.  It is generally unwise to stop taking these medications cold turkey which is why I called, but I've only taken 3 pills so I am fine to stop.

I've got something that I can take if I start to feel really anxious and feel comfortable taking that on an "as needed" basis instead of taking a pill that makes me feel badly on a regular basis. It is my goal to feel better, not worse!

Also, I am having a bit of trouble letting go of this blog.  I need to stop writing her as part of my healing, but I am not ready to do so yet so I'll keep writing until the mood to stop strikes.

Day 249 - Lighthouse

This morning, Henry and I met up with some friends to walk on the beach and check out the Morris Island Lighthouse.  We always do our beaching at Kiawah, and I tend to forget about other beaches in town, and I am sorry that I do.  We drove to Folly Beach, stopped where the road ended, and headed out to the beach.  The beach was desolate and gorgeous.  Shells had washed up all over the beach, and Henry and his friends had so much fun running around and picking up shells.

We walked for a while and came upon the Morris Island Lighthouse, a Charleston landmark that I had never seen.  It is a beautiful lighthouse that appears to be sitting in the middle of the ocean. Morris Island is not very big, and I imagine that it gets covered during high tide.  Walking on the beach with friends was a wonderful way to spend a few hours.  I am so glad that we did that this morning.

On the way home, Henry and I both got hungry so we stopped for a late lunch.  Henry said that he wanted fish for lunch so we went to place called Roadside Seafood.  It was nice to have a little lunch date.  We looked through photos on my phone and chatted while we waited for our food. He was as good as gold and such great company.

Day 248 - Gourd

The Annual Touhill Pumpkin Extravaganza happened today, and it was very successful.  We've gotten pumpkins from a local farm for the past 4 years and have always been pleased with their selection and prices. We picked out 6 pumpkins - 3 for carving and 3 for decoration.  I always like the funky-looking heirloom pumpkins because I think they have so much character, but they are not good for carving so we got some nice big round pumpkins for carving.

The farm also has a playground, petting zoo, hayride, and a few other things.  We let Henry play on the playground for a little while and also let him bounce in a bounce house that they had set up.  I'm not a huge germaphobe, but the bounce house was disgusting (which I noticed after Henry got in) so I let him count to 20 then he had to get out.  The rest of the playground area was nice, and we passed on the petting zoo and hayride.

Shortly after we left the pumpkin patch, the sky fell so we left at a good time.  Henry and I went to see a movie this afternoon. Hotel Transylvania 2 was good enough.  Henry claimed that he didn't like it but seemed to enjoy it while we were there.

Very nice Saturday and successful Extravaganza!

Day 247 - Hair

*How is it possible that I am on day 247 and don't have a post entitled "Hair" until today?

I saw my medical oncologist for the first time since July today.  It was very nice to see him, and we spent the majority of the appointment talking about TNBC treatments that are in trials right now.  He actually started the conversation with "what new studies have you been seeing?"  That kind of cracks me up, and it shows that he knows how I operate.  He knows that I am up on research.  Research moves slowly, but it is moving.  We spent a decent amount of time talking about immunotheraphy. Some immunotherapy drugs have been approved for some of the most aggressive cancers - melanoma and small cell lung cancer, to name a few.  I think that the approval of some of these medicines to treat TNBC is just a matter of time.

I also talked to him and his medical assistant about some anxiety that I've been having.  I cannot tell a lie - they offered some medication to help with that, and I accepted.  They actually offered two medications.  I'll take one of the medications regularly for a month or two and see how I feel, and I have another one that I can take if I am feeling particularly anxious at any given time.  The regular medication should also help with hot flashes which is a major bonus.  It is my overall goal to be on fewer medications than more over time, but I am going to unapologetically take some help right now. I need it.

The reason that I titled this post "hair" is because my oncologist said that I have the best hair re-growth that he's ever seen. He's seen a lot of bald people in his 15-years of medicine so I take this as a high compliment.  I felt that it would be unfair to post such a claim without a photo so here's a picture taken in my office right before I shut things down for the week. I've got some serious hair for someone who was bald just a few months ago.

My oncologists' waiting room was packed today. Packed.  I am actually not sure that I have ever seen it so crowded.  I walked over to say hi to the infusion room receptionist  while I was waiting to see the doctor, and there was a sign that said "due to a high number of infusions, please expect delays." None of my 8 infusions ever started on time or even close to on time so I cannot imagine the delays that people experienced today given the sign. It was hard to be in the waiting room.  There was more sadness than hope today. I could feel it.

On the opposite side of the coin, a friend of mine had her last chemo today so I went to say hi to her during her treatment to help her celebrate.  It was fun to see her and to cheer for her last chemo.  Last chemo = really big deal!

Day 246 - Tough

Today was a tough day emotionally.  I am prepared for tough days and have some good coping mechanisms to help work through they, but they are still notably tough.  I am in a strange place of wanting to move forward but not being able to do so yet. 

I also think that October, in general, is going to be a hard month for me as time wears on.  Things that I have seen thus far in October range from absolutely ridiculous posts about saving "boobies" to the names and pictures of women and men who have died from metastatic breast cancer. 

This was posted in my Breast Cancer Survivor Facebook group:

The normal boobs ( . )( . ), the silicone boobs ( + )( + ), the perfect boobs (o)(o). Some boobs are cold (^)(^), and some boobs belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o), and very small boobs (.)(.), and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.). We love them all!...
Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐ to Breast Cancer!!! Save the boobies.

All members of this group are breast cancer survivors (hence the name), and it BLOWS MY MIND that a breast cancer survivor could be so ignorant.  I try not to engage with these types of posts because there is no point, but come on.   

On the stark other hand, a Facebook friend is posting the name of someone that she personally knew who died from breast cancer every day in October.  She started with members of her family. Her posts are hard to see but important to read.  Breast Cancer Awareness Month should not focus on "boobies" or pink everything.  We should be reminded of those who have gone before us, and it should encourage us to want to do more. 

I want to do more. I'm going to do more, but I will still have tough days. 

Day 245 - Hopeful

On day 54, I posted about hope.  It was a very rambling post, as many have been, and I talked about how passive "hope" is.  I still think that hope is passive.  There is no action that can be taken when one is hopeful, but that is where I am right now.  I am hopeful.  I am hopeful for the future, and I am ok with that even though it is passive.  I have taken so much action over the past 8 months, and I feel confident in what I have done.

Outside of any clinical trials that are being developed to help prevent TNBC recurrence, I have done everything (and more) that I could do.  I must have faith that my everything is enough.  A time will come when I can trust my body again and every ache and pain does not elicit sinister thoughts.  I can continue to be patient and hopeful.

Day 244 - Recap

In typical 2015 fashion, we had a little bit of excitement over the weekend and into yesterday.  The state of South Carolina has been experiencing what has been deemed a 1,000 year flood.  A gigantic band of rain sat over the state beginning on Friday and lasted until yesterday.  The middle to lower part of the state were hit the hardest.

On Friday, we went up to Greenville (NW part of the state) to spend the weekend. It rained a lot in Greenville, and we were glued to the news coming from other parts of the state.  On Sunday, we saw that our route home was experiencing significant flooding and road closures so we decided to stay in Greenville for another night to be safe.

So we left Greenville at 7:00 yesterday morning, and took a very long way home so that we could avoid the worst areas entirely. We arrived home at about 1:30pm, giving us time to regroup for a few minutes and head to radiation.

I spent our time in the car yesterday working/responding to emails and reflecting.  I found myself tearing up often during the drive as I thought about all that has gone on in the last 8 months.  Time has simultaneously flown by and stood still, and I still can't believe all that we have been through.

The three of us arrived at radiation a few minutes early, and Henry was SO excited to be there and to help me ring the bell after my treatment.  The receptionists and nurses fawned over me, everyone congratulating me on my last day and everyone commenting about how they are glad that the floods didn't postpone my last day.

I got onto the table for the last time, turned my head to the right to be in the proper position, and the tears just flowed.  Neither of the techs positioning me for treatment could see that I was crying, and one reminded me to just breathe normally as he was getting me ready. It was hard, but I was able to control my breathing, but the tears still fell.  They fell as each part of the field was radiated, and they fell harder after the buzzing completely stopped.  I was finished.  My treatment had come to an end.

I made all of the techs give me a hug, went back to the lounge, got dressed, and headed to the waiting room where Mike and Henry were waiting for me with big smiles on their faces.  They were done with treatment too, and they get to celebrate this milestone as much as I do.  Henry helped me ring the bell while the receptionists, one of our neighbors who works at the cancer center, Mike, and the other people in the waiting room smiled and cheered for me.  It was perfectly simple and wonderful.  I cried more, got more hugs, and we walked out.

Just like that, we walked out.  We walked out into the great big post-treatment world.  We walked out and walked into a happy and healthy future for all of us. Yes, I'll be back for follow up appointments, but I hope and pray (and HOPE and PRAY) that I never hear the buzz of a radiation machine or see the drip of chemo coming into my body ever again.

More on those thoughts and feelings later.

We celebrated with champagne and dinner out at our local Mexican place.  We also got Henry a quick haircut since the place where we take him is right next to the Mexican restaurant (let's be practical and efficient here).

It was a perfect day - perfectly crazy, a bit stressful, joyful, funny, and not at all what I expected.  Welcome to life.

I am thinking about my last blog post but am not sure when I am going to write/post it yet (it will be within a matter of days I think). I'll leave this blog up for as long as the internet gods will let me, but I need to stop posting.  Tucking my blog away will be an important part of my healing and recovery process, but I am not ready to let it go quite yet.  I want to wrap things up as best as I can into what will probably be the longest blog post in the history of man. Until then, I'll keep posting daily.

Day 243 - For Henry

This picture speaks volumes and caputures so many emotions.  My sweet Henry has no idea how powerful he is.  He has gotten me through some of my darkest days in hopes that I will have a bright future as his mom.  I have so many things to say but am still absorbing it all and figuring out what I can say. Today was my last radiation treatment, my last treatment entirely.

243 days later...

I think that I will have a lot more to say in the coming days, but for now, saying that I am thankful is sufficient.

Day 242 - Thwarted

We took a brief detour out of town for the weekend and are not able to get back to our house at this point.  The state is basically under water, and the major routes home are not passable at this point. The amount of rain that we have received is borderline unbelievable.

So our plans to be home late afternoon/early evening have been thwarted.  Such is life such has been 2015.

I had some grand plans to write a post about the eve before my last radiation, but, at this point, I just hope that we are able to get home in time to have my treatment tomorrow. I am sure that we will and all will be fine, but I am mentally preparing for a delay just in case it happens.

Day 241 - Surprise

About a month after I was diagnosed, I learned of someone who was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. She is 20-years old, in college, and was having some pain while running so she went to the doctor. A series of tests later, she found out that she had cancer.  She left school, has received some of the hardest chemo that exists, has had major major surgery and is back in the chemo chair for a series of treatments that will last until December.  One of her chemo treatments requires hospitalization so that her kidney functioning can be monitored so she spends 4-5 days in the hospital at a time.

She lives in a different town, and we had never met until today!  I coordinate with her mom, and my mom and I went to the hospital to surprise her.  It was so awesome to finally meet and to have the chance to talk about what has been going on with her and me.  We are forever united by our shared experiences, and I am lucky to have her in my life.

Cancer sucks, but it is nice to know that I am not experiencing it alone, and neither is my friend.

Day 240 - Order

I like to try to operate in an orderly fashion, both in my personal and professional lives.  I try to keep systems in place and follow those systems as best as I can.  To me, Monday is a day when something new starts, not a day when one finishes something, but this year has been far from orderly.  As a friend said to me today, finishing treatment on a Monday is just another reminder that I am not in complete control.  She is right.  I am not in complete control, and I have learned to deal with that this year more than ever.

Monday does not just mark the end of treatment, though.  Monday marks the start of life after cancer. When I walk out of the cancer center on Monday afternoon, I will be starting fresh and new.  I will slowly start to remove my finger from the pause button and will start to figure out how to move on.  That will be a process.  Treating caner has been my mission since February 5, and that mission will be accomplished on October 5.  Cancer will always be a part of my life.  I have been changed to my very core.  It's time to move cancer from center stage, to figure out how I am going to apply this to something good (working on a few things there), and to establish my new normal.

I'm excited.

Day 239 - Rain

We are not in the direct path of Hurricane Joaquin but are expecting epic rain to hit the entire state that began today.  Downtown roads started to flood due to high tide at around noon today, and the rain will only add to that flooding.  The Charleston area is expecting anywhere between 12-18 inches of rain in the next 3 days. That is a hell of a lot of rain in a short period of time.  Schools are closed (already) tomorrow. It should be an interesting few days.

As I was walking into my radiation appointment this afternoon, I stopped to talk to the receptionist for a few minutes.  A nurse walked out to let me know that the radiation techs were ready for me so I hustled back.  They gave me a jokingly hard time about being a few minutes late (even though I was already there), and I gave them a jokingly hard time back.  I'm pretty sure that I've waited for hours for them if we add up all of the waiting over the past 6.5 weeks.   It was all in good fun though.

I also saw my therapist this morning, and the appointment was helpful as always.  She's going to try to get me in to see her next week too since it is such a big week. My emotions are running really high right now so seeing her next week would be very helpful.

She pointed out something that I had not previous realized.  I've been operating at a 10 (on a scale of 1-10) since February.  Emotionally and physically, I've been running at full speed, and that is not sustainable. Imagine how quickly your car would run out of gas if you were constantly flooring it. My tank (especially the emotional side of it) is getting pretty low.  I need a break from the extremes and need to run at about a 5 for a nice long period of time.  I am not sure when I'll have that opportunity, truth be told,  but I need to seek it out.

Something else also occurred to me today - I need to prepare a little elevator speech to have on hand for my event at the end of the month.  People are going to ask how I am doing, either because they know what has been going on or because I look somewhat different so I need to be prepared with some answers.  I was emailing back and forth with a show attendee today who mentioned that he was sorry that he missed seeing me in Vegas (for a competing show) last month. I told him that I actually was not in Vegas because I've not been able to travel for a portion of the year.  He responded with "oh right.  I think that I heard you were pregnant.  I hope that all is going/did go well."

I responded and told him what was really going on and made some joke about my new hairdo, but it made me realize that I need to have some answers to questions in my back pocket.  I don't want to make people uncomfortable, and I certainly don't want them to feel sorry for me so I'll have to figure out how to best respond to those who ask.