Day 117 - Changed

I was talking to my therapist last week about change and how much of a changed person I am.  I believe that I said something along the lines of "I'd like to figure out how to move past this and create my new normal." She said that my way of thinking is a really good sign for my ability to cope well in a post-cancer world.  Many of her patients are of the mindset that they want to get through treatment and get back to the way that things were, and that is just not possible.  There is no way that I can go back to the Nancy that I was on February 2 of this year, but I can (and will) put the pieces back together and figure out my new life.

We were also talking about how one pushes the figurative pause button upon such a life-altering diagnosis, and I think that metaphor is really perfect.  We have hunkered down and pressed pause on a lot of things in order to work through this treatment plan of mine.  It has been disappointing and frustrating at times but very very necessary. My "cancer coach" through the hospital once told me to just set aside this year for treatment.  I thought that she was exaggerating, but she really wasn't...I probably won't be done with treatment until Q4 of this year after starting in Q1 (nerd alert).

I know that I have talked about the changes that I have experienced and will continue to experience on this blog before, and it turns out that my acknowledgement of that is part of a very healthy way of thinking.  I am glad that my expectations seem somewhat realistic. 

Between my first and second sessions, my therapist also asked me two write down any scary thoughts that popped into my head.  She read them when I was there last week and now wants me to go through and mark which of the thoughts are fact-based vs. which are based on my imagination/opinion.  I have a feeling that almost all of them will be the latter, and she wants me to have a visual representation of that.  I like the assignments that she gives to me as they help me focus on healing and healthy thoughts between our sessions, and I imagine that is the whole point of the assignments.

Today flew by. We recently filled a vacancy in my department at work so the whole team had a big kickoff meeting today.  I lead the meeting via phone, to my disappointment, but there is not much else I can do.  I thought about trying to go up to my office for a quick trip, but I was not willing to risk any flight delays/cancellations since I have treatment tomorrow.  Plus, it is probably still not terribly wise for me to travel and be around so many germs.  Soon enough.

Treatment #7 is on deck for tomorrow, and I'll have a lot to say about it.  I am a bit nervous, as always, but mostly excited to be able to say that I HAVE ONE CHEMO LEFT.  Tomorrow!  Tomorrow, I can say that.