Day 3 - Racing Heart

Day 3 = anxiety day.  I found my heart racing several times during the day today and started to worry about every single twinge in my body.  Why does my head hurt, what is going on with my stomach, is that twinge on my right side another tumor?  Why is there an ache behind my eye?  I need to chill.  All of that is imaginary and due to stress and lack of sleep from last night.  I need to chill.

I got home around 11p last night, and Mike and I talked for a long time.  I burst into tears when I saw Mike, and we hugged forever.  He had some flowers on the kitchen table for me.  So sweet.

After much discussion last night, we decided that we are going to pump the breaks on this just a little bit.  Things are moving WAY too fast.  Why am I getting a chemo port before talking to an oncologist?  Why is that the right decision right off of the bat?  I don't feel comfortable with it so am going to call on Monday and postpone that until after the oncologist appointment. I want all of the information before that kind of drastic measure is taken. 

I volunteered at a friend's event today.  It was nice to have the distraction, but is very strange having that part of me out to some and not out to others.  But who just blurts out that she has cancer?  Not me.  I need to be careful about what I say and when.

I snuggled with Henry as much as humanly possible today, and I keep asking God to not take me away from him.  I pray that He is listening to me.  I think that He is.  Henry needs his mom, and he will have me.  I will do whatever I have to do.  I just keep asking to be on the safe side.  Want to be thorough here. 

I also found my eyes filling up with tears several times during the day today, and my heart would start to race some. I think that is normal and to be expected.  I need to control the stress as much as I can though.  It is normal to be anxious, but I also have to remain positive as much as humanly possible.

Henry is seriously the cutest and sweetest boy in the whole wide world.  He gave me about 1000 hugs today, and I needed every single one of them. We played a lot this morning and snuggled together watching movies after I got back from the event.  I love him so much and need to be very strong for him and for me.

But really, I need to stop over-analyzing every little twinge in my body.  I think that i am just hyper-aware right now.

Mike is going to St. Kitts on Monday, and I am ok with that. I don't want our daily lives to stop, and I don't want us to not honor our commitments just because of stupid cancer. Cancer is so stupid. 

Here's another messed up thing - I feel SO GREAT. I have been working out like a crazy person and eating really healthy.  I really have never felt better.  Ok, that Potbelly gluten-filled sandwich that I had last night didn't make me feel so hot, and neither did the cookie, but before the cancer verdict came down, I was super healthy.

AND I am getting right back on the healthy train. Did today, in fact. I am going to be as healthy as possible. Eating right, no drinking, and working out as much as I can. 

I think that my brain has been a little fuzzy today from what I ate last night and the lack of carbs today. Amazing how much of an effect food has on a person.

My mom is going to come down on Wednesday for my Thursday oncologist appointment.  Here's the schedule for next week.

Monday - talk to surgeon and postpone port Tuesday - MRI Thursday - Oncologist Friday - reschedule port placement if necessary

In between all of that - love on my Henry, work, and continue to gather as much information as humanly possible.  Potentially seek second opinions based on discussions and other appointments.

Should I start to become one of those annoying Facebook people who posts inspirational quotes every second?  Maybe so.  Maybe I need the inspirational quotes.  I need the strength, and I need to be better ASAP.  I don't have time for this crap.