I found myself very pensive today, and I couldn't really put my finger on why. Mike asked me if I was ok a bunch of times, and I was ok all day today. Just a bit lost in thought. I've been thinking about these past few weeks and have been thinking even more about all who have gone through this journey, both people that I know and people who I have never met. I wonder how cancer chooses its victims, and I wonder why it is more cruel to some than others.
I think about people who have heard the words "it's cancer" just like I did less than 3 weeks ago, and my heart aches for them because I now know how scared they all were on Day 1. Day 1 has been etched into my memory, and Day 1 has been has been etched into the collective memories of those who have heard those somber words. The words are like a bomb. They hit the main target then ripple outward to family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers.
Most of my thoughts today have been about other people who have faced or are currently facing this disease, both those who are still with us and those who are not. I wish that I could go back to every one of them on their own personal Day 1 and tell each that I know. I know the impact of those words. I know how it feels to have the breath knocked out of you by some words. I know how thoughts immediately go to children, spouses, and other family members. I know how awful it is to say those words to other people.
I also know that there is a lot of hope, and I have been inspired by so many people who have faced cancer (both in the past few weeks and well before my diagnosis). Each person's experience with this is so highly individualized and personal. What works for me may not work for someone else, and what others have experienced may not happen to me at all. It is all part of the mystery of cancer. It's just so different for each person. With breast cancer alone, there are so many variables to consider.
I will attack this mightily (along with some darn powerful drugs) and will do whatever I have to do to get this OUT OF ME. I have a feeling that you won't find someone in my shoes who does not say the same thing. Let's gear up and attack.
Over the past few weeks, people have often said "I don't know what to say." That is ok. It is ok to not know what to say, and I hope that they never do know what to say. My advice is to offer support and maybe a hug. That is all it takes, and the support means so much. I have receive so much of that already.
I'd like to be able to apologize for the more serious tone of this post, but I won't. The old Nancy would have said "sorry for being so serious here." But I am not sorry. I am just writing about how I feel and about where my thoughts are on this particular day.
I am ok. Just reflecting.
PS: A few weaponry/fighting references in the above. Not usually my style, but they seem so right during this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment