I spoke with my therapist this morning about my radiation-related sadness, and she confirmed that it it is completely normal and likely a manifestation of fatigue. We also talked about how some situational sadness over all that I've been through is also to be expected. I am letting myself feel my feelings, and if sadness is one of them, then that is fine.
I always walk out of those appointments feeling lighter, and today was no different. My doctor totally gets me, and our conversations just flow. You'll see this theme a lot in the upcoming weeks - I am thrilled to be nearing the end of radiation, but I am also scared out of my mind to be nearing the end of radiation.
The complexity of those conflicting emotions is difficult to describe, but I am going to try over the coming weeks as I draw nearer to the end of radiation. I hate radiation. Hate it. Because of that, I am glad that it is coming to an end.
On the other hand, once radiation ends, the safety net will be totally gone. I will no longer be in active treatment and will be given a hearty "good luck" by all of my medical professionals. Yes, I will continue to see them on a regular basis (thank goodness), and those visits will entail a discussion of any symptoms and a look/feel of the area where my tumor was. They will keep a careful eye on me, and that is somewhat comforting, but there is no additional medical treatment available to me. I assume that I will also have regular mammograms, ultrasounds and maybe an MRI, but I am not sure of the frequency.
It's time to start thinking about how I can move forward in a post-treatment world, and I am still trying to figure out what that looks like.
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