Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Day 237 - Oh Boy

I've been seeing my radiation oncologist every Tuesday for a quick check in during my treatment.  She does a quick scan of my skin, asks how I am feeling, and tells me that she wants to try Orangetheory Fitness sometime (she likes to work out and knows that I am a member there).  Every appointment pretty much follows that pattern.  Today, she walked in and said "this is the last appointment that you will have with me during treatment."  I burst into tears.  Two hugs and a couple of jokes later, I was fine.  She said that I could come and sit in the waiting room whenever I want.  No thank you.  I wish that I never had to enter that waiting room in the first place, but now I am a little scared to let go of it.

Mind you, I already have follow up appointments with both my medical and radiation oncologists on my calendar so I'll still have plenty of waiting rooms in my future, but it is so surreal that I am almost finished with treatment.  I've said it once, and I will say it again (and probably a few more times) - I am so grateful that my treatment has an end.  Some receive some form of treatment forever (and forever is usually not very long for those people).  So while I am unsure of my new world, I am so very thankful for it.

A friend emailed me a few days ago about similar feelings and said that everything has been so controlled during her treatment that she feels like things will be out of control after it is over.  I think that she is onto something there.  The diagnosis comes, a treatment plan is formed, and the treatment plan is followed (for quite a while).  Things are prescribed and controlled as much as possible.

But I managed some semblance of control in my life before cancer and will figure out the best way to do that after as well.

I hope that my expressing such concerns does not come across as whiny because I really am thrilled about being given the opportunity to re-build and move on as best as I can.  I have learned so much this year, and the most important thing that I have learned is that life is a gift, and it should be treated that way. It should be treasured, and I do treasure my life. I am so incredibly fortunate, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't recognize that.

The feelings are crazy. This whole year has been crazy.

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