Day 62 - Round 4

Chemo part 4 is in the books!  I am officially at the halfway mark, and it feels good.  As the nurse was administering the last syringe of adriamycin (a.k.a. the red devil), I couldn't help but be relieved.  That stuff is so vile.  It is bright red and has blessed me with much nausea over the past two months.  I took a picture of the syringe for the heck of it and so that I can show people how red it is, and will happily NEVER SEE THAT STUFF AGAIN.

Now, don't get me wrong, the adriamycin and cytoxan have done wonderful things for me.  Wonderful.  The tumor is so small that he doctor could not even feel it while I was lying down. I had to sit up for them to measure it.  It is really excellent news.  I doubt that we'll be able to feel it at all at the next appointment.  I am so thankful that the tumor is responding so well to this gross chemo.  Makes all of the barfiness worthwhile.

I had a lot to discuss with my doctor today, and he is always very willing to answer my questions and address my concerns.  I told him that I worry that we are not doing enough to fight this, and he kind of smiled at me and said "you are on a high dose of the strongest chemo that is out there.  There is nothing stronger and more aggressive." (If anyone reading this knows otherwise, please keep don't tell me)  That made me feel better.  It's a bit odd what makes me feel better these days.  He also said that we could discuss post-surgery chemo if I do not get a PCR.  He said that doing that would be unconventional, but we can talk about it.  Again, good.  I have one opportunity to beat this the first time, and I would like for it to be the only time as well so I am doing everything in my power. 

I also brought up a phase 2 clinical trial that I found that is based in Michigan.  It is for patients who are post-chemo but pre-surgery, and the trial uses the patient's own t-cells to fight the cancer and help improve the chances of a PCR.  My doctor is reviewing the information, but he (and I) has concerns about anything that would delay surgery, and this would. I lean that way too.  Surgery is what is going to truly get this out of me so delaying it makes me uneasy (to say the least). I am going to look for the phase 1 data from that particular trial, but it is unlikely that I will do anything more (please don't worry...I am thinking of myself first in this instance).  I will continue to hold out hope that the TNBC vaccine trial will open with the Mayo Clinic sometime late this year or early next.  That is something that would be done totally after all treatment and would not interfere with anything that I am doing.  Seems safer all around, but I will browse www.clinicaltrials.gov pretty regularly to see what else is going on.   Never though I would type that sentence... my nerd is really showing.

I have to keep reminding myself that my current treatment plan is proven to work.  That is why they do it!  Many many people have gone down this road before me and have had my same treatment.  I am not charting new territory here, thank God.  My doctor does not have me on chemo to try something new.  He has me on chemo because that is what is going to make me better.  I keep thinking "do more," but I am already doing a hell of a lot. While it is important to remain vigilant and continue to advocate on my behalf which  I will absolutely keep doing. I do need to also trust the proven process a wee bit more.  Note to self: simmer down.

I took a hat with me to my appointment this morning but didn't wear it all that much.  I walked into the office without my hat on, checked in and sat down next to a very sweet older woman.  She looked at me and said "you are so brave, I can't go without my wig."  It was nice of her to say that, but I don't think that taking off my hat makes me brave.  I was just trying to be comfortable and avoid a headache. Plus, I really don't mind how I look right now.  I still give myself a second glance when I pass a mirror, but I am ok with it.  It is certainly not something that I feel compelled to cover up all of the time, and let's be honest, I am not fooling anyone when I wear a hat.  You can tell that I don't have hair. I still wear a hat or scarf often (daily) but am just as comfortable without too. My hat collection is fabulous, and I love all of the options that I have.

I wore a John Deere hat when I had one on today. Last fall, my organization put on an event with John Deere at a farm in rural Maryland to demonstrate JD's wireless technology on all of their farm equipment.  It's pretty interesting nerd stuff.  JD gave all event attendees a hat, and I was able to snag one so it was an early add to the hat collection. 

Today was a great day, and I will maintain that no matter how barfy I may get over these next few days.  The chemo is working, and that is THE most important thing right now (well as it relates to cancer).  The chemo is working. The chemo is working, and I probably need to chill just a touch...