Why? It's the question that I have asked myself about a million times since February 5, and it is the question that I imagine that everyone who has been in my shoes has asked. Why is this happening? Why is it happening to me, why is it happening to anyone? I will never know the answer to that question nor will anyone else who has asked the same.
Was it something that I did? Hard to say, but it is unlikely. Is it something in our environment? Maybe. Is it the food that we eat? Could be. Or is it just random? That is most likely. It's just random, and it chose me. I am sure that there is something deep within my biology that made me an easier victim, and maybe I will know for sure one day, but I will probably not.
My having cancer has not just affected me. It's affected everyone who loves me and cares about me. Our worlds will never be the same, and we will always live in a place that has been punctuated by cancer in one way or another. It is simply not fair. It is not fair to my child, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my friends, and it is certainly not fair to me.
Cancer has robbed me of peace. It took my very happy and content life, shook it up and turned it upside-down. Why? We were navigating life just fine and were thinking about some potential changes for Mike's career. That all got put on hold on February 5. We went into survival mode, and our entire way of thinking changed.
I remember waking up early on February 5 after a fitful night's sleep to catch an early flight to DC. The very first thought that I had when I woke up was "I'll find out if I have cancer today." Heavy. I dreaded the sound of my phone ringing that day and jumped of my skin when I saw a Charleston area code show up.
Cancer has stolen peace from too many people, and it has stolen the lives of people that I love. It is just so cruel. I hate it. I hate that I have it, and I hate that so many have had it before me. I hope and pray that I am able to put cancer in my past one fine day and figure out how to find a new sense of peace. I want that more than I want anything else in the world, and that is why I am throwing everything that I have at cancer now.
Yes, I get tired of feeling like shit from the treatments, but I would do quadruple the amount if that is what it took to get better. I maintain my declaration that I will do EVERYTHING that I can to fight this. Everything. The uncertainty of it all is just so horrible. I want my peace back, and I hate cancer for taking that from me.
Despite some moments of deep thoughts and uncertainty, today was a wonderful day. We lounged around the house and played this morning, and some friends came over late afternoon to play and have dinner. They have two kids - one a few months older than Henry and one who is 18-months old. It is is so fun to see them all play together. The older two are just adorable. Henry and his buddy have known each other since Henry was born, and it has been so much fun to watch them turn into the kids that they are today. They play so nicely together, and are just so cute. I had fun making the baby laugh. He is super ticklish, and I got some good belly laughs out of him which made me laugh.
Yes, I do wonder why, but I also can't help but think that something great will come of all of this for me. Whether it is helping others as they navigate these scary waters or using my skills to serve a charity organization, something great will come of this. I just know it.
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